An ending of sorts

So I had my final group psychotherapy session. I’ve been anticipating this since about a few month ago when I made the decision to leave group at the end of the term. My therapist agreed with me that I was ready and that it was time to move on with my life.  

I think back to before therapy, I was such a mess back then. I had no identity and next to no control over my emotions and actions. I wasn’t well enough to work full time and I often had a lot of time off sick. My partner was supporting us both and it was putting a strain on our relationship. I was in my overdraft by £1000 and had to rely on the generosity of others just to get by. I spent time in and out of hospital having taken overdoses or self harmed. I was dealing with a diagnosis there seemed to be no treatment for on the NHS.

During therapy I discovered that there was a darkness deep inside of me that I thought was the cause of all my suffering. I learned that there was a forgotten girl at the heart of it all. First I tried to ignore her, then I tried to fight her; that only brought more pain. For years and years I experienced delusions about a missing girl with white hair and red eyes. I searched and searched until the grief overcame me. Therapy lead me to the edge of a dark crater in the earth. I spent months teetering on the edge, wondering if I would fall. I thought a monster awaited me in the darkness. The fear was overwhelming at first, but my curiosity slowly bloomed. Finally I was able to travel down, to let myself slip over the edge. I found the girl and knew she represented the emotions I had been too scared to allow to the surface. Therapy showed me the only way I could be free of my suffering. I came to accept the good and the bad as one. I accepted the forgotten girl as myself.

Since that profound moment I have been able to turn my life around. I have a full time job and I’ve been able to gather the strength to start writing about mental health. I see that there is bad and good in everything, like a delicate balance. My life won’t be perfect, but there will also be light. Embracing myself has allowed me to learn who I truly am and what I want in life. I still have BPD and I don’t think I will ever be ‘cured’, but my life now has meaning within it and I have a reason to keep improving and to keep sharing my experiences. Without therapy I would have never been able to reach the next stage in my life.    

As a result of this therapy, I’ve met some really kind and strong people who I’ve been able to relate to and empathise with. I feel like we’ve held each other together whilst we shared some of the most awful and traumatic experiences in our lives. I’ve shed tears, shaken with rage and bared my soul to these strangers who quickly became like old friends. I’m sad to be letting them go, but I know that it’s unlikely we’ll forget our time together. I wish them all the best for the future and I hope that one day I might run into them again and get to see how their lives have changed too.

UPDATE

For the last 3 years I’ve been receiving group psychotherapy, which has helped me in ways I could never have dreamed of. Having a place of safety where I can talk every week about the troubles I’m experiencing and my past has been really beneficial.

This Wednesday will be my very last session. I’m both nervous and excited. I’m going to be going it alone for at least the next six months before I potentially start some practical Dialectical behavioural therapy. I will still be able to get in touch with my psychiatrist if I need her, but I won’t be in contact with my therapist anymore. It feels a little bit like I’m becoming a proper adult. I’m going to miss everyone in my group, but I know that I am ready to leave. I’ve got everything that I possibly can out of it at this point.

I’m so very lucky that I’ve been able to experience this treatment for free on the NHS and I would urge anyone who thinks they are ready for therapy to really fight for it. I’m happy to provide more information on how to seek treatment if people want that.

Hopefully I can make a post after the last session on Wednesday evening. Just about how I’m feeling and how it went etc. Wish me luck.

Out of Darkness. Xx

 

The importance of self-care

If you’ve ever been through any kind of therapy or counselling then you’ve probably heard the term “self care”. If not you might have come across it on the internet among mental health related online communities. Practising self care is taking actions in order to improve or maintain our health and well-being. It can take many forms, from obvious acts such as washing, eating right and taking your prescribed medications, to more abstract ones such as creating art, taking part in meditation and healthy self talk. In this post I’ll be talking about my preferred methods of self care and how I put them into place.

It’s important to note that once you get into the habits of self care it’s not always a conscious decision to take part. Often I find myself worried I haven’t done any acts of self care, only to find that actually I’ve done several things without realising.

Physical acts of self care are literal in the sense that without these basic tasks I will start to become unwell very quickly. These include taking care of personal hygiene, drinking enough fluids and eating the right amount. In the throws of a deeply depressive episode I have been known to hide under my covers, avoid showering for long periods of time, binge eat and drink next to nothing. I think back to psychology lessons about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and how humans must have the basic physiological needs met in order to complete the psychological needs further up. If you don’t have food, water, warmth and rest then you can’t possibly start to think about mental health and relationships. One of the first things I do when I start to feel unstable is ask myself three questions. Am I thirsty? Am I hungry? Am I tired? If the answer to any is yes then there is a physical action I can do to try and correct it before it gets too bad.

The other type of self care are the things you usually have to make a more conscious effort to do. These are activities that relax you or enrich your life. Their effectiveness will vary depending on your personality and mood.

• Creativity is one of my main methods of self care. It provides distraction and also relaxation. Making music, creating characters and backstories, baking or simply colouring are things that I find therapeutic. Obviously I also have my blog, but it’s often important that self care is for you and only you. The pressures of creating something “good enough” shouldn’t factor in.

• Reading is a brilliant means of escapism for me. I really am able to completely lose myself in a good book. It’s almost like I’m taking a break from my own life and experiencing other worlds.

• Meditation, yoga and mindfulness are probably the methods of self care you’ve heard more about. Meditation and mindfulness encourage you to clear your mind, focus on the present and allow your thoughts to simply pass by instead of taking over. With yoga you learn to channel your breathing and pay more attention to the way your body feels as you stretch and pose. I find these methods really good at stress busting in particular.

• Pampering yourself in the way you prefer does wonders for the soul. I find a relaxing soak in the bath gives me the opportunity to pause the world around me. Even if it’s only for half an hour. If I’m really feeling overwhelmed I can light some candles and put on quiet instrumental music. I let myself sink down under the bubbles and just feel the warmth around me.

• Letting your emotions out is very important for a healthy life. Often we hold it in, scared that if we don’t people will judge us for being overly sensitive. Holding it in is probably the worst thing we can do. There are ways of letting our emotions out in a safe space. Crying is okay. Punching your pillow in anger is alright. We can show emotion and still be in control.    

There are many different ways of looking after ourselves and it often takes a bit of time to find what works for you. My advice would be to just go ahead and try everything. The worst that can happen is it doesn’t work first time and you need to go and find a new method. Also there are plenty of lists online of things you can try.

Not taking part in self care can actually be a sign that things are breaking down. If I’m feeling stressed and tired, but have noticed I’m not looking after myself properly, then I get an early warning that my mental health might be taking a dip. Noticing a decline means I will be able to put things in place in ensure it doesn’t spiral out of control. Often increasing the self care means I can avoid a break down if I really put my mind to it.

Navigating the stormy seas of relationships

Love for someone with BPD dangles somewhere between agony and ecstasy. For me it is wonderfully painful and intense. I’ve been known to say “I love you so much I could die.” I wanted to take some time to talk about the difficulties of relationships faced by those with BPD.    

Finding it difficult to make and keep stable relationships and a strong fear of being abandoned are two common symptoms of BPD. Our family connections are often severed or strained and our romances intense and stormy. From many experiences in early life we have learned that those we love can be untrustworthy and unreliable. Perhaps we had parents who told us they loved us and would never leave, only for us to wake up one morning and find them gone. I know friends with BPD whose parents never told them that they were loved or that they mattered, leaving them desperate for their affection. It all boils down to trust. What did your earliest relationships teach you about trust?

Think back to your very first romantic relationship. What did it make you feel? I remember the first time I fell in love, it was like nothing I had ever felt. Falling in love for me is really just that. It’s as if I’ve been picked out of my world and thrown into another. It’s like ascending, yet descending all at once. Such a euphoria to lose yourself inside another person's very soul. I find myself wanting to know every secret until there is nothing of them left. I want to become part of them until I’m the only thing they see. I love so intensely it quickly turns to obsession. I will stop at nothing to make them mine. They become a shining light in the dark of my heart. My saviour. I’m sure they will fix everything.

Once I’m in a relationship I naively expect a happily ever after. Every time. What awaits me however is fear and pain.  Unfortunately my early relationships taught me that I will never be good enough and therefore no one that I love will stay. In opening up I make myself vulnerable. I worry that they’ll see the real me who I see as ugly and vicious. There is an endless fear of abandonment that I would do anything to avoid. It causes me anxiety and panic to no end. If they’re not around I will have to call and text to make sure they still exist. When they go to leave the room I feel a twinge of disappointment and when they try to leave (even if only for a short time) I try desperately to get them to stay just one second longer, even if that means blocking doors and throwing myself at their feet. When they are gone I find myself back in darkness and despair.  

True love should make you feel safe, but it always left me scared and unsettled. How could I be the perfect girlfriend? If I did everything they wanted would they stay? Unfortunately this led me to do things I wasn’t comfortable with. I did everything I could to make myself desirable to others, even if this meant acting in ways I wouldn’t normally. I would erase my entire personality to mould myself into someone I deemed lovable. In love I lose sight of myself. When I see this happening a resentment forms. If I didn’t love them I wouldn’t be going through the burning agony, so it becomes their fault. A hate builds inside of me and at the slightest slip up or mistake they make, I end up spewing hateful words at them.

I hate you, don’t leave me is the phrase most people have heard of when BPD is described. There’s even a book with this title about BPD and relationships. Caused by the constant fears of abandonment and the roller coaster of emotions we experience, the back and forth between love and hate can break a relationship into a thousand pieces. Most of us have lost relationships through the chaos that hangs around us like a fog. We can easily be pulled under by the current, drown in our emotions and drag others with us. A relationship with me is a blessed and cursed existence. I’ve watched people ride the high with me and then fall apart exhausted. Like my moods my love can be rapid cycling. One day I can love you and offer to give you my entire life, the next I’m walking out on you as if you meant nothing. I have often left relationships on a single whim, especially when I think they are about to go sour or get boring. Because of this I live with many deep regrets.

So you might be thinking it sounds impossible to find and keep hold of love if you live with BPD. That just isn’t true. There are precious people you will meet in your life. People you realise that even when things go wrong will stick by you. I’ve found someone who lifts me up. Someone I feel safe with. More than just that, I have learned that I can protect myself. I used to believe that I wasn’t good enough and as soon as someone saw the real me they would run away. It takes trust to open up and stop living simply to please. You must learn there are those who will love you for you. When you learn this, making and maintaining relationships becomes easier and the waves will calm.

Busy times and down time

As we enter the final month of the year I just wanted to wish everyone the very best for the upcoming celebrations. Winter can be a difficult time for many, especially those living with mental health conditions. The days grow dark and cold, the streets become so busy with shoppers that you can barely move and we have to navigate the choppy waters of spending time with family.

For me December is an extremely busy month. I’m actually going to be working day shifts on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, which means I’m going to be making time in my other days for seeing family and friends. For this reason there’s going to be some down time to this blog in order to keep me from burning out completely. I won’t be posting anything for 3 weeks starting from the 19th of December. I know it’s a long time, but I will be posting at least 3 more times before then to keep this alive.

Stay strong for the festive season and I hope it all goes smoothly.

Out of Darkness. Xx

"I'm feeling suicidal and I need help."

If you ever feel on the edge and like you might do something to hurt yourself, then I would urge you to talk to someone. Anyone you feel close enough to. You might have family, close friends, a carer or even a named nurse or psychiatrist. Sometimes we truly feel like we have no one to talk to and if that’s the case then there are a number of fantastic organisations whose sole purpose is offer quality support to people in need.

You’ve probably heard of Samaritans. They are there round the clock, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You can call them on 116 123. They offer support for anyone who needs a safe space to talk. Also their number is free to call.

www.mind.org.uk offer information on many mental health issues and suicidal feelings. For an online community try signing up to Elefriends, which is run by Mind for people to talk about mental health. I’m a member and it helps me see that i’m not alone. I’ve even posted a link to my blog there which was well received.

www.7cups.com is one of the largest online emotional support sites. You can sign up to talk to one of their friendly trained listeners. There are short online courses in mindfulness and other coping mechanisms. There are also moderated group chats if you’re feeling social.

And last but not least The NHS. We can’t forget about that one. If you’re feeling like you might act on your urges then please get yourself to your nearest A&E. If you can’t get there then call 999 - remember that feeling suicidal is an emergency. Your life matters.

Out of Darkness. Xx

What's it like to live with suicidal thoughts?

TRIGGER WARNING - TOPICS OF SELF HARM AND SUICIDE

Before I even start please observe the huge trigger warning above. If you’re someone who struggles with issues around suicide and self harm then make sure you’re in a safe state of mind before you read this. I will be talking in depth about thoughts of ending my life and a few mentions of acting on these thoughts.

For a lot of people with Borderline Personality Disorder suicidal thoughts are part of our day to day experience. It’s actually part of the criteria for receiving a BPD diagnosis. On some days the thoughts are fleeting and can be ignored. At other times they plague me hour by hour, pushing their way to the front of my mind. They whisper and taunt me whilst I try to go about life. The thoughts are most intrusive when I’m home alone, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about ending it all halfway through my food shopping.

If you’re like me and you possess a morbid curiosity, you might be wondering the sorts of thoughts I have. At risk of exposing too many unpleasant details I’ll try to explain. I contemplate my death and what that would mean for me and those I leave behind. I sit and question whether any of this is worth it? What the meaning of this life is? I become fixated on music, films and literature that are about or contain suicide. If there is medication around then I will be thinking about how I can get hold of it. Sometimes I sit next to my window and look down longingly from seven stories high, contemplating how easy it would be to let myself fall backward. Walking across bridges fills me with the urge to jump down into the watery depths below. Almost anything can become a method if you’re imaginative enough.

For the most part thoughts are just thoughts. They alone cannot hurt me. It’s when you factor in stress, exhaustion and pain that they become a bigger problem. If I feel stressed and exhausted from work with no relief at home and I’m experiencing intensely painful emotions, then I will be trying to find a way to end my suffering.  With these added pressures my emotions become extreme and often lead to me frantically looking for an exit. That’s where the thoughts turn into urges.

Urges are strong desires or impulses. Increased impulsivity can be a symptom of BPD and one that I have long struggled with. When I have a strong compulsion to do something, I feel very out of control; almost as if I don’t have a choice. It’s like a big red button that says ‘do not push’. In the case of suicidal ideations I feel a strong urge to act on these thoughts. Most of the times I have attempted suicide it’s not been planned out, but simply a desperate grasp to stop the pain. These sorts of urges can be very dangerous because often you’re not thinking straight enough to make a conscious decision. Almost every attempt I have made I have regretted it afterwards in the cold light of day. There have been a few occasions where I very nearly died and honestly the last attempt really scared me. I realised that if I carried on doing this I would deeply regret it. Not only do I want to live, but there are things worse than death that can come of attempting suicide.   

As in all decisions we make, there are push and pull factors. Something driving us to the edge of the ledge and something else dragging us back from it. After all if I truly had nothing to live for, I wouldn’t be here. The push factors are the stress, exhaustion and pain that I’ve spoken about. It’s about wanting it all to stop, to finally be allowed to rest and end this aching in my chest. The pull factors are what keeps me from jumping most of the time. My partner, my family and my friends. Those little moments where I’m not anxious or feeling low. Moments when I can look to the autumn leaves or the starry night sky and see that whilst there is anguish there is also beauty. I want to be around to experience it all. It’s true that death would end my suffering, but it would also end all the good I see in the world. All the good I can bring by sharing my experiences with others.

When I find myself standing on the ledge wanting to jump, these push and pull factors rush through my thoughts. I’m in emotional turmoil and often the darkness hides the good. It really takes a lot to remember why I choose to live. It’s in these times that I should be reaching out to others. Getting them to remind me with their actions that there are people who care and that the darkness won’t last forever. When it lifts I’ll be able to see the light again.  

How I developed suicidal thoughts

TRIGGER WARNING - TOPICS OF SELF HARM AND SUICIDE

Before I even start please observe the huge trigger warning above. If you’re someone who struggles with issues around suicide and self harm then make sure you’re in a safe state of mind before you read this. I will be talking in depth about thoughts of ending my life and a few mentions of acting on these thoughts. 

Up until the age of about 11 I had always been an extroverted and happy child. I had plenty of friends and was doing really well at school. There were problems at home, but I don’t think I really understood the full scale of what was going on. My parents were going through a separation and my dad had moved to a place 2 hours away. He always made promises to visit and then would cancel shortly before, leaving me waiting by the window or sometimes even the school gates. My mum was busy looking after my baby brother who had severe asthma and would often have to be rushed to the hospital in the night. A mixture of these things, the onset of puberty and starting secondary school, put an unbelievable amount of pressure on me. I started feeling emotions with an intensity I had never felt before. 

I was utterly confused by this new world of self awareness. I would find myself deeply despairing and anger would bubble up that I simply couldn’t control. My mum and I got into fights on a regular basis. Normally over small things, but the rage would take a hold of me. We’d end up screaming at each other and on a few occasions I physically attacked her; I would also throw things and break them. The once bright and energetic child seemed to morph into a furious monster. A monster that I simply didn’t have the skills to hold back. 

The constant fighting at home became miserable and exhausting for me. I might have gotten through it if school had been a safe space. When I was 12 I started being bullied at school. As a result I lost my original group of friends, they didn’t want to be associated with me in case they became targets as well. I spent my playtime alone in the library or hanging out in the quiet area with the rest of the outcasts. They were friendly, but all had their own issues. One girl often had self inflicted cuts underneath her wristbands. 

With no escape anywhere I was consumed by negative thoughts. Mostly they came out in rage or in my morbid doodles in my school workbooks, which I was teased further for. I found myself trying to hide my emotions, pushing them down until I got to my room where I would cry silently into my pillow. The pressure was becoming far too much and I thought back to the girl with the cuts on her wrists. I don’t really know what drew me to it. Surely causing myself more pain was the opposite of what I needed. I remember creating small scratches on my wrist. There was pain, but in a way it relieved the pressure and gave me the release I needed. I wish I had never discovered that self harm did that. I wish I had been able to find another way. There’s so much focus at secondary school about avoiding drugs and related addictions. There should be more information about better coping mechanisms, because self harming is the most addictive thing I’ve ever taken part in. To this day it’s an addiction I still battle with and that I probably always will. 

I believe that self harm showed me something a normal 12 year old shouldn’t have thought about. I could do damage to myself. I became aware of the fact that I didn’t have to wait to get old or sick to die. I’ve never been religious so all that I could imagine after death was nothingness. Silence at last from a world buzzing with white noise. The idea of suicide was like a whispering promise that there was a way to make everything stop.      

At 13 I took my first overdose. I emptied out as much paracetamol as I could find. I lay down on the sofa and let myself fall asleep. At the time I thought it would be enough. A few hours later I woke up disappointed. It hadn’t worked. I was still in this painful world. The worst part of it was no one ever noticed and I never told anyone. Maybe if my mum had known she could have got me some help. 

I didn’t take another overdose until I was an adult, but the thoughts still haunted me. When life would get hard I contemplated my own death. I was obsessed with dark and macabre things because it made me feel closer to the end. I listened to sad and emotional music and isolated myself away from the world. It was easier just to be on my own and think about how one day I was finally going to kill myself and escape.

UPDATE

I recently planned a post titled “What’s it like to have suicidal thoughts”. I thought it would be helpful to express how these sorts of urges affect my day to day life and to go into detail about exactly how they manifest. However, when I started writing I realised that just talking about the suicidal thoughts isn’t enough. We need to look deeper and start from the very beginning. What exactly led my mind to the conclusion that suicide is an option to consider? In order to do this the post will be broken down into 2 parts. In the first I will explain what I believe led me to start thinking that way and in the second part I will describe what it’s like to live with these thoughts.

Hopefully it will be more helpful that way and people who haven’t experienced it might be able to understand my actions.

Out of Darkness. Xx

Depressive episodes and despair

TRIGGER WARNING - Suicide and self harm references

Depressive episodes are something that have always plagued my life, even though I've not been diagnosed with clinical depression since I was 21 (I’m 26 now). That was a misdiagnosis all because they said I was “too nice” to have BPD; what does that say about the stigma we face? But I digress, the depressive episodes I experience are part of my personality disorder. It’s unlikely that they’ll ever really go away. It’s about learning to cope with them, which I’m well on my way to doing.

Describing one of these episodes of low mood is difficult, especially when you’re on the edge of one, but i’ll try. There’s a feeling before it starts. A sort of sixth sense, not unlike how animals flee a place before a natural disaster occurs. I used to panic when I started feeling this, begging and pleading to unknown influences to not let me go through this torture. I now know it means I maybe have 30 minutes to 2 hours to get myself somewhere I’ll be safe. I tell my partner to put the sharp items and any medications into the locked safe and to make sure I don’t have access to the keys. I try to make myself comfortable and get into pyjamas. I set myself up on the sofa and begin trying to distract myself with TV or games.

Many people describe these lows as a darkness or wave that descends upon them, an external evil. With me it’s as if the dark is bubbling under my skin; coming up from inside of the deepest reaches of my soul. This feeling is as if it’s pouring out of me, filling up all the space and I know that it will eventually drown me.

In the darkness my greatest fears await me. I watch helplessly as my brain replays the most awful moments of my life. I feel the pain of those memories all over again. As I sink further, all the joy that I've ever experienced is distant, as if it happened to someone else. All I know is fear, regret and ultimately despair. My voice tells me that there is nothing I can do about any of it. That my life is meaningless and unless I end it I will suffer forever.  

As the tide swells, so does the pain in my chest. It’s a physical pain that burns and aches. It increases slowly until I’m flailing in desperation looking for a way to stop it. Poor or dangerous coping mechanisms start to look more and more appealing. I become fixated on thoughts of self harm or suicide. Surely anything is better than this right? If there are harmful objects around I know I will be eyeing these up at this point. This is when most of my suicide attempts have occurred. These days I've learned to cope better at crisis point. I let the waves wash over me and do not fight it. Fighting it causes far more pain and extends the episode. I remind myself constantly that the agony will pass and I will return to normal, even if it feels as if I've been in despair for eternity.

The final stage is exhaustion. Heaviness takes over my limbs as if I’ve walked for an entire day. I’m no longer actively suicidal, but grim thoughts haunt me. Telling me how I’m a “failure” and “useless” and how my BPD will always have control of me. Anxiety fills me about the next time I have an episode. I usually have to lay in bed listening to music or watching shows on Netflix. At this time I need support and affection from a loved one and to be brought hot chocolate and nice food, and to wrap me up in a warm, fluffy blanket. In a few hours I’ll be feeling myself again. It’s important that I remember it will happen again, but each time i’ll be stronger.

These depressive episodes take you to a dark place in your mind. However, from it spawns creativity. Some of my best writing and music comes from the deep places in my soul that are hard to reach without being dragged down there kicking and screaming. Many artists find their inspiration in despair and sometimes it can even feel like a bit of a rebirth when you emerge alive. It really teaches you what you can survive.

The first week back and the connections we should be making

Last Friday I had my first day back at work after an almost 3 week break I took for my mental health. I work as a support worker in a secure mental health facility. It’s a very demanding role which keeps me on my toes and requires me to be fully alert at all times. I work long shifts also.

I was so nervous about returning that I spent the day before listless and sobbing. I was feeling the fear of my colleagues and the patients finding out the real reason I had to take time off. I put a lot of effort into wearing the mask of a well put together and stable individual, which feels like a huge lie to me. I was worried the mask would crack and break and that the whole world would be able to see the real me. We live in a society where we can edit the way the world sees us. I mean who really puts all of their life on Facebook? For most of us we only put the interesting or nice parts of our lives out there. How many of us share every intimate detail of our misery for everyone to see? We find other more anonymous platforms for that.

So I turned up for work on my first day back, scared stiff of what people were going to think. I’m not really sure how I got myself so worked up. Most of the staff simply welcomed me back and asked how I was feeling. No prying questions about why I was off and certainly no one knew that I’d been in hospital. The patients were lovely too. Most were simply happy I had returned. We have quite a high turn around of staff due to the stressful environment we work in. Since I started 11 months ago we’ve had countless support workers and nurses come and go. Some of the patients were simply worried that I’d left to go and work somewhere else.

I was fortunately on shift with a nurse in charge that I get on pretty well with. She was the only person that asked me what had happened. She knew I had been in hospital because it was her that answered the phone when my partner had to call in sick for me. I know she has struggled in the past with with her own issues and so I felt a little more comfortable about her knowing the truth. She was shocked when I explained to her I had taken quite a large overdose. We talked for a while about the stresses that lead me down that road. She shared her own experiences with suicidal thoughts. It felt nice not to be alone.

Slightly unrelated, but I had a very in depth chat with another support worker about personality disorders. We both agreed that the way professionals view people with this sort of diagnosis is uninformed and prejudicial. She was really passionate about it and confided in me that she has someone close to her who had Borderline Personality Disorder. I felt connected even though she didn’t know that I suffer with the same condition.

Having these discussions really opened my eyes to the fact that people working in a mental health setting are often closer to the issue than we know. If only we could find more ways of connecting to each other on an emotional level. We could hold one another up and strengthen ourselves in the process. It just goes to show, when you start conversations about mental health the world doesn’t seem so dark.

Every cloud

TRIGGER WARNING - Suicidal ideation and attempt

Recently I found myself having to take time off from work in order to recover from a bit of an ordeal I suffered a couple of weeks ago. Life for me these past few months had been incredibly hard to say the least. Back in May, my partner unfortunately lost his job. He was under an extended probation, which meant the company was able to get rid of him in a week. We soon found ourselves in hot water. I work for the NHS so my pay packet isn’t exactly overflowing. It was never a problem though because we were able to make it work. We live in a rented flat just half an hour on the train from central London. Rental properties in the area are very expensive and most people in their 20s and 30s aren’t able to scrape together the large deposits needed for a mortgage.

We lost 58% of our income in a week. He was sending out applications left, right and centre with no luck and hardly even any replies. It felt like putting applications in bottles and throwing them out to sea. Over the 6 months he got a few interviews where he got through 3 or 4 stages before someone with more experience took the role. The current financial climate and job market really was against us.

As financial stress often does, it put a huge strain on our relationship. My partner was starting to feel depressed and hopeless. We’d argue about nothing because both of us were feeling helpless. I couldn’t do anything to help him get a job and he couldn’t do anything to take the burden of being the sole earner off my shoulders. We had a few savings, but those were depleted quickly. So many things were going wrong with our flat and it felt like people were chasing us for money all the time. We were paying our bills, but suddenly new costs would pop up out of nowhere.

I was going to work in the morning already exhausted with the whole situation. I simply had nothing left to give and any defence strategies I had were failing. I was beginning to dread going into work the next day. It wasn’t much better at home. There was a tension between us that was amplified by my BPD. I avoided talking about the darkness that was starting to envelope me to try and avoid an argument. The pressure and the pain were becoming too much and I started thinking about a quick way out.

Suicidal thoughts are something I would say I experience a few times a month; which is an improvement on what used to be a few times a week. Most of the time I am able to brush them off, push them down and ignore them. For the first time in a long time, I couldn’t. It was too late for me to be able to reach out to anyone. It felt as if the darkness had me, covering my mouth and stifling my cries. I got hold of 2 months worth of my mood stabilisers and laid them out on the bed. I sat there sobbing. I didn’t want to die, not at all. I just wanted the pain to finally be over. It had been a couple of years since my last overdose, I had been getting better slowly. However, there are times that can be unbearable even when you think your life is on track. I took the pills one by one at first, then I was practically choking them back. I couldn’t cope anymore so I would take my life away as a sort of punishment. My partner found me and I was taken to A&E where I was seen by unhappy and unsympathetic nurses and doctors. I remember having blood tests done and then suddenly there was nothing.

I woke up. I had no idea where I was or who I was with. I couldn’t control my body and I was desperately scared. I was searching for my partner I think, but at times he was by my side trying to get me to eat. That day was a blur. Looking back on it I had lost my grasp on reality totally. In my head I knew that it was my fault this was all happening. I prayed that it was all a dream I was going to wake up from.

The next day I could finally communicate again. The reality of it all began to sink in. This was the worst overdose I had ever taken. I could have died. I could have died and I didn’t want to. I want to live my life. I want to be strong enough to overcome the trials that life throws at me. I want to care for the ones I love and have them care about me. I deserve to live.

That was a turning point for me. I am ready now. Ready to recover and ready to live a life that isn’t perfect, but it burns brightly. Sometimes it’s sweet and sometimes it’s bitter. I’m learning that you need that darkness to really feel the light.  

The return to work interview

So as I posted yesterday I had a return to work interview to attend. I had only been signed off work for 2 weeks, but my manager thought it would be a good idea as I work in a very high pressure job with a lot of responsibility. Which I understand, as I need to have my head in the right place so no one gets hurt. I had been in a crisis and things got to a total breaking point. I took the 2 weeks off in order to get my head straight. In a way i’m glad I took the time to recover because this time is what has rekindled my writing hobby, both creative and blogging.  

The actual return to work interview itself was nothing like I thought it was going to be. My fear was that i’d be sat in a room with my manager’s manager and be interrogated about the circumstances that led to me being off. I was frightened that they’d ask why I had been in hospital and question me on my diagnosis. As far as they know I've suffered with anxiety and depressive symptoms for a while now, which isn’t a lie. There’s something about BPD that I don’t expect them to sympathise with. A lot of our patients have personality disorders and sometimes I feel the staff there have some very closed minded opinions. What I've had to learn is that with regards to work you should feel able to share as much or as little as you see fit. Not everyone has to know everything about your life and as long as you’re safe to do your job I can’t see an issue with that.

The lady I saw was really friendly and took me to a private side room. She asked to see my sick certificate and asked how I was doing. She didn’t assume anything and didn’t ask me any questions about my diagnosis. I explained to her how stressed I had been and the financial situation at home. She was really understanding and honestly she just wanted to make sure I was going to be okay. She let me choose when I wanted to return to work. She referred me to occupational health and asked me if there was anything else I needed in order to return. My worries were dispelled so easily and honestly now i’m a lot more positive about returning to work this Friday.

Sometimes our anxieties can get the better of us. They descend on our minds like fog and pour in thoughts of our greatest fears. Fear is paralysing. If I had let it overtake me and gone in there a wreck I imagine the result may have been different. I faced it head on and actually it turned out really well.

Out of Darkness. Xx

UPDATE

I spent most of today sitting at my desk thinking through and planning upcoming blog entries and how I can keep it interesting and informative. I’m feeling confident, but also a little anxious. I don’t want to let it die like the last one. I’ve decided i’m going to try and get at least one reasonable sized piece done in a week. I’m sure i’ll have times when I’m writing more and inevitably times when I go AWOL. I’m hoping to keep that to a minimum though.

I managed to get out of the house to grab a few bits of food shopping. It’s definitely been a productive day even if supermarkets are an anxiety nightmare, especially alone. I’m currently signed off from work and due to have a return to work meeting tomorrow. I’m sure i’ll be giving an update regarding that. It’s not like I've never had one of these meetings before, but it’s the first time in this job. I’d managed to avoid taking any time off since I started in January. Due to circumstances I’m going to write about soon, I was signed off work for 2 weeks by my GP.

Anyway, wish me luck.

Out of Darkness. Xx

What on earth is BPD?

To understand BPD (Borderline personality disorder) you first need to know what a personality disorder is and how affects lives. Our personalities are a combination of characteristics or qualities that form our distinctive character. This influences how we think, act and feel. We create our personalities based off our experiences and the opinions we form about them. A personality disorder is a deeply ingrained and maladaptive pattern of behaviour that causes long term difficulties in the day to day function of that person. This tends to be most notable when interacting with others. BPD is one such disorder.

You might hear mental health professionals referring to BPD in a few different ways. In the UK at the moment it’s often called Emotionally unstable personality disorder or in some other areas Emotional intensity disorder. These are much more descriptive than borderline personality. The word borderline makes it sound as if it’s on the edge and not that bad. There is a reason for the strange naming. A while back it was thought that the condition was on the borderline between psychosis and neurosis. Despite this I still use the term BPD as it’s easier just to stick with the old name; the internet seems to do the same.

Now we’ve briefly covered the definitions let’s get straight into the signs and symptoms of BPD. There’s quite a broad spectrum of criteria you must meet in order to be considered for diagnosis. There are so many symptoms and even then we all experience them in different ways. The following criteria have been provided by NICE, which is a British based institute that gives guidance for health and social care.

• Emotional instability. Lows and highs day in day out. Emotions such as emptiness, despair and anger cycle quickly. The emotions are also extremely intense.
• Difficulty making and maintaining relationships.
• An unstable sense of identity, such as thinking differently about yourself depending on who you are with.
• Taking risks or doing things without thinking about the consequences.
• Self-harm or thoughts of self harm.
• A fear of abandonment or being alone.
• Sometimes experiencing hallucinations or delusions.

If you have 5 or more of these symptoms that have been affecting your life for some time then you may be diagnosed with BPD. At the time I was diagnosed I thought that I met 5 of these, but looking back on it now I met all of them. My life was in ruins and I didn’t even know why until I stumbled across the condition during my years as a student nurse. After that moment everything suddenly made sense.

It took years to get an official diagnosis of BPD, but I knew it was the right call. Let me give you a glimpse of how I experience these symptoms.

• My emotional instability was intolerable for me and my friends. One moment I’d be laughing and being playful, the next I would be sobbing and hiding under my desk. I constantly felt like there was a gaping black hole where my heart should be and the intensity of my feelings lead me to do strange or unhealthy things.

• Relationships were also really hard for me. I only knew how to give my heart and soul or give nothing at all; which could change in an instant. This lead to me having very volatile relationships which were often bordering on abusive from one end.

• I had little sense of who I was and what I really wanted to do. I’m an incredibly ambitious person at times, but my direction can change depending on the people I spend the most time with.

• I used to engage in a lot of risky behaviours including drug taking and binge eating. These and self harm were my maladaptive coping mechanisms.

• As for fears of abandonment, this was one of my most distinctive symptoms. I would do literally anything to stop people from leaving me, even if that meant physically blocking the entrance, refusing to let go or even threatening to hurt myself as a last resort. The fear inside of me was so deep and powerful I thought that if they left my sight I would never see them again and that it would kill me.

• With regards to hallucinations and delusions, these can happen when i’m under a lot of pressure. I sometimes end up with strange thoughts of paranoia or odd fantasies that I have to find someone who has been erased.

My life really was one big exhausting drama back then. If you feel this resonates with experiences you may be going through then it’s always best to seek professional help. Self diagnosis alone is a bad idea because you could easily misdiagnose and if your diagnosis is wrong then the treatment you receive may be wrong too. Get your GP/physician to recommend you to a specialist mental health team for an assessment. It could change your life for the better. I know it has mine.

You can find other information and support on almost any mental health problems through the charity Mind and their website www.mind.org.uk. They’re a really good charity in the UK who do great work surrounding getting people talking and eradicating the stigma people with mental health problems are facing.