Love for someone with BPD dangles somewhere between agony and ecstasy. For me it is wonderfully painful and intense. I’ve been known to say “I love you so much I could die.” I wanted to take some time to talk about the difficulties of relationships faced by those with BPD.
Finding it difficult to make and keep stable relationships and a strong fear of being abandoned are two common symptoms of BPD. Our family connections are often severed or strained and our romances intense and stormy. From many experiences in early life we have learned that those we love can be untrustworthy and unreliable. Perhaps we had parents who told us they loved us and would never leave, only for us to wake up one morning and find them gone. I know friends with BPD whose parents never told them that they were loved or that they mattered, leaving them desperate for their affection. It all boils down to trust. What did your earliest relationships teach you about trust?
Think back to your very first romantic relationship. What did it make you feel? I remember the first time I fell in love, it was like nothing I had ever felt. Falling in love for me is really just that. It’s as if I’ve been picked out of my world and thrown into another. It’s like ascending, yet descending all at once. Such a euphoria to lose yourself inside another person's very soul. I find myself wanting to know every secret until there is nothing of them left. I want to become part of them until I’m the only thing they see. I love so intensely it quickly turns to obsession. I will stop at nothing to make them mine. They become a shining light in the dark of my heart. My saviour. I’m sure they will fix everything.
Once I’m in a relationship I naively expect a happily ever after. Every time. What awaits me however is fear and pain. Unfortunately my early relationships taught me that I will never be good enough and therefore no one that I love will stay. In opening up I make myself vulnerable. I worry that they’ll see the real me who I see as ugly and vicious. There is an endless fear of abandonment that I would do anything to avoid. It causes me anxiety and panic to no end. If they’re not around I will have to call and text to make sure they still exist. When they go to leave the room I feel a twinge of disappointment and when they try to leave (even if only for a short time) I try desperately to get them to stay just one second longer, even if that means blocking doors and throwing myself at their feet. When they are gone I find myself back in darkness and despair.
True love should make you feel safe, but it always left me scared and unsettled. How could I be the perfect girlfriend? If I did everything they wanted would they stay? Unfortunately this led me to do things I wasn’t comfortable with. I did everything I could to make myself desirable to others, even if this meant acting in ways I wouldn’t normally. I would erase my entire personality to mould myself into someone I deemed lovable. In love I lose sight of myself. When I see this happening a resentment forms. If I didn’t love them I wouldn’t be going through the burning agony, so it becomes their fault. A hate builds inside of me and at the slightest slip up or mistake they make, I end up spewing hateful words at them.
I hate you, don’t leave me is the phrase most people have heard of when BPD is described. There’s even a book with this title about BPD and relationships. Caused by the constant fears of abandonment and the roller coaster of emotions we experience, the back and forth between love and hate can break a relationship into a thousand pieces. Most of us have lost relationships through the chaos that hangs around us like a fog. We can easily be pulled under by the current, drown in our emotions and drag others with us. A relationship with me is a blessed and cursed existence. I’ve watched people ride the high with me and then fall apart exhausted. Like my moods my love can be rapid cycling. One day I can love you and offer to give you my entire life, the next I’m walking out on you as if you meant nothing. I have often left relationships on a single whim, especially when I think they are about to go sour or get boring. Because of this I live with many deep regrets.
So you might be thinking it sounds impossible to find and keep hold of love if you live with BPD. That just isn’t true. There are precious people you will meet in your life. People you realise that even when things go wrong will stick by you. I’ve found someone who lifts me up. Someone I feel safe with. More than just that, I have learned that I can protect myself. I used to believe that I wasn’t good enough and as soon as someone saw the real me they would run away. It takes trust to open up and stop living simply to please. You must learn there are those who will love you for you. When you learn this, making and maintaining relationships becomes easier and the waves will calm.
Thoroughly enjoyed reading that!
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