An ending of sorts

So I had my final group psychotherapy session. I’ve been anticipating this since about a few month ago when I made the decision to leave group at the end of the term. My therapist agreed with me that I was ready and that it was time to move on with my life.  

I think back to before therapy, I was such a mess back then. I had no identity and next to no control over my emotions and actions. I wasn’t well enough to work full time and I often had a lot of time off sick. My partner was supporting us both and it was putting a strain on our relationship. I was in my overdraft by £1000 and had to rely on the generosity of others just to get by. I spent time in and out of hospital having taken overdoses or self harmed. I was dealing with a diagnosis there seemed to be no treatment for on the NHS.

During therapy I discovered that there was a darkness deep inside of me that I thought was the cause of all my suffering. I learned that there was a forgotten girl at the heart of it all. First I tried to ignore her, then I tried to fight her; that only brought more pain. For years and years I experienced delusions about a missing girl with white hair and red eyes. I searched and searched until the grief overcame me. Therapy lead me to the edge of a dark crater in the earth. I spent months teetering on the edge, wondering if I would fall. I thought a monster awaited me in the darkness. The fear was overwhelming at first, but my curiosity slowly bloomed. Finally I was able to travel down, to let myself slip over the edge. I found the girl and knew she represented the emotions I had been too scared to allow to the surface. Therapy showed me the only way I could be free of my suffering. I came to accept the good and the bad as one. I accepted the forgotten girl as myself.

Since that profound moment I have been able to turn my life around. I have a full time job and I’ve been able to gather the strength to start writing about mental health. I see that there is bad and good in everything, like a delicate balance. My life won’t be perfect, but there will also be light. Embracing myself has allowed me to learn who I truly am and what I want in life. I still have BPD and I don’t think I will ever be ‘cured’, but my life now has meaning within it and I have a reason to keep improving and to keep sharing my experiences. Without therapy I would have never been able to reach the next stage in my life.    

As a result of this therapy, I’ve met some really kind and strong people who I’ve been able to relate to and empathise with. I feel like we’ve held each other together whilst we shared some of the most awful and traumatic experiences in our lives. I’ve shed tears, shaken with rage and bared my soul to these strangers who quickly became like old friends. I’m sad to be letting them go, but I know that it’s unlikely we’ll forget our time together. I wish them all the best for the future and I hope that one day I might run into them again and get to see how their lives have changed too.

UPDATE

For the last 3 years I’ve been receiving group psychotherapy, which has helped me in ways I could never have dreamed of. Having a place of safety where I can talk every week about the troubles I’m experiencing and my past has been really beneficial.

This Wednesday will be my very last session. I’m both nervous and excited. I’m going to be going it alone for at least the next six months before I potentially start some practical Dialectical behavioural therapy. I will still be able to get in touch with my psychiatrist if I need her, but I won’t be in contact with my therapist anymore. It feels a little bit like I’m becoming a proper adult. I’m going to miss everyone in my group, but I know that I am ready to leave. I’ve got everything that I possibly can out of it at this point.

I’m so very lucky that I’ve been able to experience this treatment for free on the NHS and I would urge anyone who thinks they are ready for therapy to really fight for it. I’m happy to provide more information on how to seek treatment if people want that.

Hopefully I can make a post after the last session on Wednesday evening. Just about how I’m feeling and how it went etc. Wish me luck.

Out of Darkness. Xx

 

The importance of self-care

If you’ve ever been through any kind of therapy or counselling then you’ve probably heard the term “self care”. If not you might have come across it on the internet among mental health related online communities. Practising self care is taking actions in order to improve or maintain our health and well-being. It can take many forms, from obvious acts such as washing, eating right and taking your prescribed medications, to more abstract ones such as creating art, taking part in meditation and healthy self talk. In this post I’ll be talking about my preferred methods of self care and how I put them into place.

It’s important to note that once you get into the habits of self care it’s not always a conscious decision to take part. Often I find myself worried I haven’t done any acts of self care, only to find that actually I’ve done several things without realising.

Physical acts of self care are literal in the sense that without these basic tasks I will start to become unwell very quickly. These include taking care of personal hygiene, drinking enough fluids and eating the right amount. In the throws of a deeply depressive episode I have been known to hide under my covers, avoid showering for long periods of time, binge eat and drink next to nothing. I think back to psychology lessons about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and how humans must have the basic physiological needs met in order to complete the psychological needs further up. If you don’t have food, water, warmth and rest then you can’t possibly start to think about mental health and relationships. One of the first things I do when I start to feel unstable is ask myself three questions. Am I thirsty? Am I hungry? Am I tired? If the answer to any is yes then there is a physical action I can do to try and correct it before it gets too bad.

The other type of self care are the things you usually have to make a more conscious effort to do. These are activities that relax you or enrich your life. Their effectiveness will vary depending on your personality and mood.

• Creativity is one of my main methods of self care. It provides distraction and also relaxation. Making music, creating characters and backstories, baking or simply colouring are things that I find therapeutic. Obviously I also have my blog, but it’s often important that self care is for you and only you. The pressures of creating something “good enough” shouldn’t factor in.

• Reading is a brilliant means of escapism for me. I really am able to completely lose myself in a good book. It’s almost like I’m taking a break from my own life and experiencing other worlds.

• Meditation, yoga and mindfulness are probably the methods of self care you’ve heard more about. Meditation and mindfulness encourage you to clear your mind, focus on the present and allow your thoughts to simply pass by instead of taking over. With yoga you learn to channel your breathing and pay more attention to the way your body feels as you stretch and pose. I find these methods really good at stress busting in particular.

• Pampering yourself in the way you prefer does wonders for the soul. I find a relaxing soak in the bath gives me the opportunity to pause the world around me. Even if it’s only for half an hour. If I’m really feeling overwhelmed I can light some candles and put on quiet instrumental music. I let myself sink down under the bubbles and just feel the warmth around me.

• Letting your emotions out is very important for a healthy life. Often we hold it in, scared that if we don’t people will judge us for being overly sensitive. Holding it in is probably the worst thing we can do. There are ways of letting our emotions out in a safe space. Crying is okay. Punching your pillow in anger is alright. We can show emotion and still be in control.    

There are many different ways of looking after ourselves and it often takes a bit of time to find what works for you. My advice would be to just go ahead and try everything. The worst that can happen is it doesn’t work first time and you need to go and find a new method. Also there are plenty of lists online of things you can try.

Not taking part in self care can actually be a sign that things are breaking down. If I’m feeling stressed and tired, but have noticed I’m not looking after myself properly, then I get an early warning that my mental health might be taking a dip. Noticing a decline means I will be able to put things in place in ensure it doesn’t spiral out of control. Often increasing the self care means I can avoid a break down if I really put my mind to it.

Navigating the stormy seas of relationships

Love for someone with BPD dangles somewhere between agony and ecstasy. For me it is wonderfully painful and intense. I’ve been known to say “I love you so much I could die.” I wanted to take some time to talk about the difficulties of relationships faced by those with BPD.    

Finding it difficult to make and keep stable relationships and a strong fear of being abandoned are two common symptoms of BPD. Our family connections are often severed or strained and our romances intense and stormy. From many experiences in early life we have learned that those we love can be untrustworthy and unreliable. Perhaps we had parents who told us they loved us and would never leave, only for us to wake up one morning and find them gone. I know friends with BPD whose parents never told them that they were loved or that they mattered, leaving them desperate for their affection. It all boils down to trust. What did your earliest relationships teach you about trust?

Think back to your very first romantic relationship. What did it make you feel? I remember the first time I fell in love, it was like nothing I had ever felt. Falling in love for me is really just that. It’s as if I’ve been picked out of my world and thrown into another. It’s like ascending, yet descending all at once. Such a euphoria to lose yourself inside another person's very soul. I find myself wanting to know every secret until there is nothing of them left. I want to become part of them until I’m the only thing they see. I love so intensely it quickly turns to obsession. I will stop at nothing to make them mine. They become a shining light in the dark of my heart. My saviour. I’m sure they will fix everything.

Once I’m in a relationship I naively expect a happily ever after. Every time. What awaits me however is fear and pain.  Unfortunately my early relationships taught me that I will never be good enough and therefore no one that I love will stay. In opening up I make myself vulnerable. I worry that they’ll see the real me who I see as ugly and vicious. There is an endless fear of abandonment that I would do anything to avoid. It causes me anxiety and panic to no end. If they’re not around I will have to call and text to make sure they still exist. When they go to leave the room I feel a twinge of disappointment and when they try to leave (even if only for a short time) I try desperately to get them to stay just one second longer, even if that means blocking doors and throwing myself at their feet. When they are gone I find myself back in darkness and despair.  

True love should make you feel safe, but it always left me scared and unsettled. How could I be the perfect girlfriend? If I did everything they wanted would they stay? Unfortunately this led me to do things I wasn’t comfortable with. I did everything I could to make myself desirable to others, even if this meant acting in ways I wouldn’t normally. I would erase my entire personality to mould myself into someone I deemed lovable. In love I lose sight of myself. When I see this happening a resentment forms. If I didn’t love them I wouldn’t be going through the burning agony, so it becomes their fault. A hate builds inside of me and at the slightest slip up or mistake they make, I end up spewing hateful words at them.

I hate you, don’t leave me is the phrase most people have heard of when BPD is described. There’s even a book with this title about BPD and relationships. Caused by the constant fears of abandonment and the roller coaster of emotions we experience, the back and forth between love and hate can break a relationship into a thousand pieces. Most of us have lost relationships through the chaos that hangs around us like a fog. We can easily be pulled under by the current, drown in our emotions and drag others with us. A relationship with me is a blessed and cursed existence. I’ve watched people ride the high with me and then fall apart exhausted. Like my moods my love can be rapid cycling. One day I can love you and offer to give you my entire life, the next I’m walking out on you as if you meant nothing. I have often left relationships on a single whim, especially when I think they are about to go sour or get boring. Because of this I live with many deep regrets.

So you might be thinking it sounds impossible to find and keep hold of love if you live with BPD. That just isn’t true. There are precious people you will meet in your life. People you realise that even when things go wrong will stick by you. I’ve found someone who lifts me up. Someone I feel safe with. More than just that, I have learned that I can protect myself. I used to believe that I wasn’t good enough and as soon as someone saw the real me they would run away. It takes trust to open up and stop living simply to please. You must learn there are those who will love you for you. When you learn this, making and maintaining relationships becomes easier and the waves will calm.

Busy times and down time

As we enter the final month of the year I just wanted to wish everyone the very best for the upcoming celebrations. Winter can be a difficult time for many, especially those living with mental health conditions. The days grow dark and cold, the streets become so busy with shoppers that you can barely move and we have to navigate the choppy waters of spending time with family.

For me December is an extremely busy month. I’m actually going to be working day shifts on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, which means I’m going to be making time in my other days for seeing family and friends. For this reason there’s going to be some down time to this blog in order to keep me from burning out completely. I won’t be posting anything for 3 weeks starting from the 19th of December. I know it’s a long time, but I will be posting at least 3 more times before then to keep this alive.

Stay strong for the festive season and I hope it all goes smoothly.

Out of Darkness. Xx

"I'm feeling suicidal and I need help."

If you ever feel on the edge and like you might do something to hurt yourself, then I would urge you to talk to someone. Anyone you feel close enough to. You might have family, close friends, a carer or even a named nurse or psychiatrist. Sometimes we truly feel like we have no one to talk to and if that’s the case then there are a number of fantastic organisations whose sole purpose is offer quality support to people in need.

You’ve probably heard of Samaritans. They are there round the clock, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You can call them on 116 123. They offer support for anyone who needs a safe space to talk. Also their number is free to call.

www.mind.org.uk offer information on many mental health issues and suicidal feelings. For an online community try signing up to Elefriends, which is run by Mind for people to talk about mental health. I’m a member and it helps me see that i’m not alone. I’ve even posted a link to my blog there which was well received.

www.7cups.com is one of the largest online emotional support sites. You can sign up to talk to one of their friendly trained listeners. There are short online courses in mindfulness and other coping mechanisms. There are also moderated group chats if you’re feeling social.

And last but not least The NHS. We can’t forget about that one. If you’re feeling like you might act on your urges then please get yourself to your nearest A&E. If you can’t get there then call 999 - remember that feeling suicidal is an emergency. Your life matters.

Out of Darkness. Xx

What's it like to live with suicidal thoughts?

TRIGGER WARNING - TOPICS OF SELF HARM AND SUICIDE

Before I even start please observe the huge trigger warning above. If you’re someone who struggles with issues around suicide and self harm then make sure you’re in a safe state of mind before you read this. I will be talking in depth about thoughts of ending my life and a few mentions of acting on these thoughts.

For a lot of people with Borderline Personality Disorder suicidal thoughts are part of our day to day experience. It’s actually part of the criteria for receiving a BPD diagnosis. On some days the thoughts are fleeting and can be ignored. At other times they plague me hour by hour, pushing their way to the front of my mind. They whisper and taunt me whilst I try to go about life. The thoughts are most intrusive when I’m home alone, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about ending it all halfway through my food shopping.

If you’re like me and you possess a morbid curiosity, you might be wondering the sorts of thoughts I have. At risk of exposing too many unpleasant details I’ll try to explain. I contemplate my death and what that would mean for me and those I leave behind. I sit and question whether any of this is worth it? What the meaning of this life is? I become fixated on music, films and literature that are about or contain suicide. If there is medication around then I will be thinking about how I can get hold of it. Sometimes I sit next to my window and look down longingly from seven stories high, contemplating how easy it would be to let myself fall backward. Walking across bridges fills me with the urge to jump down into the watery depths below. Almost anything can become a method if you’re imaginative enough.

For the most part thoughts are just thoughts. They alone cannot hurt me. It’s when you factor in stress, exhaustion and pain that they become a bigger problem. If I feel stressed and exhausted from work with no relief at home and I’m experiencing intensely painful emotions, then I will be trying to find a way to end my suffering.  With these added pressures my emotions become extreme and often lead to me frantically looking for an exit. That’s where the thoughts turn into urges.

Urges are strong desires or impulses. Increased impulsivity can be a symptom of BPD and one that I have long struggled with. When I have a strong compulsion to do something, I feel very out of control; almost as if I don’t have a choice. It’s like a big red button that says ‘do not push’. In the case of suicidal ideations I feel a strong urge to act on these thoughts. Most of the times I have attempted suicide it’s not been planned out, but simply a desperate grasp to stop the pain. These sorts of urges can be very dangerous because often you’re not thinking straight enough to make a conscious decision. Almost every attempt I have made I have regretted it afterwards in the cold light of day. There have been a few occasions where I very nearly died and honestly the last attempt really scared me. I realised that if I carried on doing this I would deeply regret it. Not only do I want to live, but there are things worse than death that can come of attempting suicide.   

As in all decisions we make, there are push and pull factors. Something driving us to the edge of the ledge and something else dragging us back from it. After all if I truly had nothing to live for, I wouldn’t be here. The push factors are the stress, exhaustion and pain that I’ve spoken about. It’s about wanting it all to stop, to finally be allowed to rest and end this aching in my chest. The pull factors are what keeps me from jumping most of the time. My partner, my family and my friends. Those little moments where I’m not anxious or feeling low. Moments when I can look to the autumn leaves or the starry night sky and see that whilst there is anguish there is also beauty. I want to be around to experience it all. It’s true that death would end my suffering, but it would also end all the good I see in the world. All the good I can bring by sharing my experiences with others.

When I find myself standing on the ledge wanting to jump, these push and pull factors rush through my thoughts. I’m in emotional turmoil and often the darkness hides the good. It really takes a lot to remember why I choose to live. It’s in these times that I should be reaching out to others. Getting them to remind me with their actions that there are people who care and that the darkness won’t last forever. When it lifts I’ll be able to see the light again.