Every cloud

TRIGGER WARNING - Suicidal ideation and attempt

Recently I found myself having to take time off from work in order to recover from a bit of an ordeal I suffered a couple of weeks ago. Life for me these past few months had been incredibly hard to say the least. Back in May, my partner unfortunately lost his job. He was under an extended probation, which meant the company was able to get rid of him in a week. We soon found ourselves in hot water. I work for the NHS so my pay packet isn’t exactly overflowing. It was never a problem though because we were able to make it work. We live in a rented flat just half an hour on the train from central London. Rental properties in the area are very expensive and most people in their 20s and 30s aren’t able to scrape together the large deposits needed for a mortgage.

We lost 58% of our income in a week. He was sending out applications left, right and centre with no luck and hardly even any replies. It felt like putting applications in bottles and throwing them out to sea. Over the 6 months he got a few interviews where he got through 3 or 4 stages before someone with more experience took the role. The current financial climate and job market really was against us.

As financial stress often does, it put a huge strain on our relationship. My partner was starting to feel depressed and hopeless. We’d argue about nothing because both of us were feeling helpless. I couldn’t do anything to help him get a job and he couldn’t do anything to take the burden of being the sole earner off my shoulders. We had a few savings, but those were depleted quickly. So many things were going wrong with our flat and it felt like people were chasing us for money all the time. We were paying our bills, but suddenly new costs would pop up out of nowhere.

I was going to work in the morning already exhausted with the whole situation. I simply had nothing left to give and any defence strategies I had were failing. I was beginning to dread going into work the next day. It wasn’t much better at home. There was a tension between us that was amplified by my BPD. I avoided talking about the darkness that was starting to envelope me to try and avoid an argument. The pressure and the pain were becoming too much and I started thinking about a quick way out.

Suicidal thoughts are something I would say I experience a few times a month; which is an improvement on what used to be a few times a week. Most of the time I am able to brush them off, push them down and ignore them. For the first time in a long time, I couldn’t. It was too late for me to be able to reach out to anyone. It felt as if the darkness had me, covering my mouth and stifling my cries. I got hold of 2 months worth of my mood stabilisers and laid them out on the bed. I sat there sobbing. I didn’t want to die, not at all. I just wanted the pain to finally be over. It had been a couple of years since my last overdose, I had been getting better slowly. However, there are times that can be unbearable even when you think your life is on track. I took the pills one by one at first, then I was practically choking them back. I couldn’t cope anymore so I would take my life away as a sort of punishment. My partner found me and I was taken to A&E where I was seen by unhappy and unsympathetic nurses and doctors. I remember having blood tests done and then suddenly there was nothing.

I woke up. I had no idea where I was or who I was with. I couldn’t control my body and I was desperately scared. I was searching for my partner I think, but at times he was by my side trying to get me to eat. That day was a blur. Looking back on it I had lost my grasp on reality totally. In my head I knew that it was my fault this was all happening. I prayed that it was all a dream I was going to wake up from.

The next day I could finally communicate again. The reality of it all began to sink in. This was the worst overdose I had ever taken. I could have died. I could have died and I didn’t want to. I want to live my life. I want to be strong enough to overcome the trials that life throws at me. I want to care for the ones I love and have them care about me. I deserve to live.

That was a turning point for me. I am ready now. Ready to recover and ready to live a life that isn’t perfect, but it burns brightly. Sometimes it’s sweet and sometimes it’s bitter. I’m learning that you need that darkness to really feel the light.