So I had my final group psychotherapy session. I’ve been anticipating this since about a few month ago when I made the decision to leave group at the end of the term. My therapist agreed with me that I was ready and that it was time to move on with my life.
I think back to before therapy, I was such a mess back then. I had no identity and next to no control over my emotions and actions. I wasn’t well enough to work full time and I often had a lot of time off sick. My partner was supporting us both and it was putting a strain on our relationship. I was in my overdraft by £1000 and had to rely on the generosity of others just to get by. I spent time in and out of hospital having taken overdoses or self harmed. I was dealing with a diagnosis there seemed to be no treatment for on the NHS.
During therapy I discovered that there was a darkness deep inside of me that I thought was the cause of all my suffering. I learned that there was a forgotten girl at the heart of it all. First I tried to ignore her, then I tried to fight her; that only brought more pain. For years and years I experienced delusions about a missing girl with white hair and red eyes. I searched and searched until the grief overcame me. Therapy lead me to the edge of a dark crater in the earth. I spent months teetering on the edge, wondering if I would fall. I thought a monster awaited me in the darkness. The fear was overwhelming at first, but my curiosity slowly bloomed. Finally I was able to travel down, to let myself slip over the edge. I found the girl and knew she represented the emotions I had been too scared to allow to the surface. Therapy showed me the only way I could be free of my suffering. I came to accept the good and the bad as one. I accepted the forgotten girl as myself.
Since that profound moment I have been able to turn my life around. I have a full time job and I’ve been able to gather the strength to start writing about mental health. I see that there is bad and good in everything, like a delicate balance. My life won’t be perfect, but there will also be light. Embracing myself has allowed me to learn who I truly am and what I want in life. I still have BPD and I don’t think I will ever be ‘cured’, but my life now has meaning within it and I have a reason to keep improving and to keep sharing my experiences. Without therapy I would have never been able to reach the next stage in my life.
As a result of this therapy, I’ve met some really kind and strong people who I’ve been able to relate to and empathise with. I feel like we’ve held each other together whilst we shared some of the most awful and traumatic experiences in our lives. I’ve shed tears, shaken with rage and bared my soul to these strangers who quickly became like old friends. I’m sad to be letting them go, but I know that it’s unlikely we’ll forget our time together. I wish them all the best for the future and I hope that one day I might run into them again and get to see how their lives have changed too.
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