TRIGGER WARNING - TOPICS OF SELF HARM AND SUICIDE
Before I even start please observe the huge trigger warning above. If you’re someone who struggles with issues around suicide and self harm then make sure you’re in a safe state of mind before you read this. I will be talking in depth about thoughts of ending my life and a few mentions of acting on these thoughts.
For a lot of people with Borderline Personality Disorder suicidal thoughts are part of our day to day experience. It’s actually part of the criteria for receiving a BPD diagnosis. On some days the thoughts are fleeting and can be ignored. At other times they plague me hour by hour, pushing their way to the front of my mind. They whisper and taunt me whilst I try to go about life. The thoughts are most intrusive when I’m home alone, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about ending it all halfway through my food shopping.
If you’re like me and you possess a morbid curiosity, you might be wondering the sorts of thoughts I have. At risk of exposing too many unpleasant details I’ll try to explain. I contemplate my death and what that would mean for me and those I leave behind. I sit and question whether any of this is worth it? What the meaning of this life is? I become fixated on music, films and literature that are about or contain suicide. If there is medication around then I will be thinking about how I can get hold of it. Sometimes I sit next to my window and look down longingly from seven stories high, contemplating how easy it would be to let myself fall backward. Walking across bridges fills me with the urge to jump down into the watery depths below. Almost anything can become a method if you’re imaginative enough.
For the most part thoughts are just thoughts. They alone cannot hurt me. It’s when you factor in stress, exhaustion and pain that they become a bigger problem. If I feel stressed and exhausted from work with no relief at home and I’m experiencing intensely painful emotions, then I will be trying to find a way to end my suffering. With these added pressures my emotions become extreme and often lead to me frantically looking for an exit. That’s where the thoughts turn into urges.
Urges are strong desires or impulses. Increased impulsivity can be a symptom of BPD and one that I have long struggled with. When I have a strong compulsion to do something, I feel very out of control; almost as if I don’t have a choice. It’s like a big red button that says ‘do not push’. In the case of suicidal ideations I feel a strong urge to act on these thoughts. Most of the times I have attempted suicide it’s not been planned out, but simply a desperate grasp to stop the pain. These sorts of urges can be very dangerous because often you’re not thinking straight enough to make a conscious decision. Almost every attempt I have made I have regretted it afterwards in the cold light of day. There have been a few occasions where I very nearly died and honestly the last attempt really scared me. I realised that if I carried on doing this I would deeply regret it. Not only do I want to live, but there are things worse than death that can come of attempting suicide.
As in all decisions we make, there are push and pull factors. Something driving us to the edge of the ledge and something else dragging us back from it. After all if I truly had nothing to live for, I wouldn’t be here. The push factors are the stress, exhaustion and pain that I’ve spoken about. It’s about wanting it all to stop, to finally be allowed to rest and end this aching in my chest. The pull factors are what keeps me from jumping most of the time. My partner, my family and my friends. Those little moments where I’m not anxious or feeling low. Moments when I can look to the autumn leaves or the starry night sky and see that whilst there is anguish there is also beauty. I want to be around to experience it all. It’s true that death would end my suffering, but it would also end all the good I see in the world. All the good I can bring by sharing my experiences with others.
When I find myself standing on the ledge wanting to jump, these push and pull factors rush through my thoughts. I’m in emotional turmoil and often the darkness hides the good. It really takes a lot to remember why I choose to live. It’s in these times that I should be reaching out to others. Getting them to remind me with their actions that there are people who care and that the darkness won’t last forever. When it lifts I’ll be able to see the light again.
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