What on earth is BPD?

To understand BPD (Borderline personality disorder) you first need to know what a personality disorder is and how affects lives. Our personalities are a combination of characteristics or qualities that form our distinctive character. This influences how we think, act and feel. We create our personalities based off our experiences and the opinions we form about them. A personality disorder is a deeply ingrained and maladaptive pattern of behaviour that causes long term difficulties in the day to day function of that person. This tends to be most notable when interacting with others. BPD is one such disorder.

You might hear mental health professionals referring to BPD in a few different ways. In the UK at the moment it’s often called Emotionally unstable personality disorder or in some other areas Emotional intensity disorder. These are much more descriptive than borderline personality. The word borderline makes it sound as if it’s on the edge and not that bad. There is a reason for the strange naming. A while back it was thought that the condition was on the borderline between psychosis and neurosis. Despite this I still use the term BPD as it’s easier just to stick with the old name; the internet seems to do the same.

Now we’ve briefly covered the definitions let’s get straight into the signs and symptoms of BPD. There’s quite a broad spectrum of criteria you must meet in order to be considered for diagnosis. There are so many symptoms and even then we all experience them in different ways. The following criteria have been provided by NICE, which is a British based institute that gives guidance for health and social care.

• Emotional instability. Lows and highs day in day out. Emotions such as emptiness, despair and anger cycle quickly. The emotions are also extremely intense.
• Difficulty making and maintaining relationships.
• An unstable sense of identity, such as thinking differently about yourself depending on who you are with.
• Taking risks or doing things without thinking about the consequences.
• Self-harm or thoughts of self harm.
• A fear of abandonment or being alone.
• Sometimes experiencing hallucinations or delusions.

If you have 5 or more of these symptoms that have been affecting your life for some time then you may be diagnosed with BPD. At the time I was diagnosed I thought that I met 5 of these, but looking back on it now I met all of them. My life was in ruins and I didn’t even know why until I stumbled across the condition during my years as a student nurse. After that moment everything suddenly made sense.

It took years to get an official diagnosis of BPD, but I knew it was the right call. Let me give you a glimpse of how I experience these symptoms.

• My emotional instability was intolerable for me and my friends. One moment I’d be laughing and being playful, the next I would be sobbing and hiding under my desk. I constantly felt like there was a gaping black hole where my heart should be and the intensity of my feelings lead me to do strange or unhealthy things.

• Relationships were also really hard for me. I only knew how to give my heart and soul or give nothing at all; which could change in an instant. This lead to me having very volatile relationships which were often bordering on abusive from one end.

• I had little sense of who I was and what I really wanted to do. I’m an incredibly ambitious person at times, but my direction can change depending on the people I spend the most time with.

• I used to engage in a lot of risky behaviours including drug taking and binge eating. These and self harm were my maladaptive coping mechanisms.

• As for fears of abandonment, this was one of my most distinctive symptoms. I would do literally anything to stop people from leaving me, even if that meant physically blocking the entrance, refusing to let go or even threatening to hurt myself as a last resort. The fear inside of me was so deep and powerful I thought that if they left my sight I would never see them again and that it would kill me.

• With regards to hallucinations and delusions, these can happen when i’m under a lot of pressure. I sometimes end up with strange thoughts of paranoia or odd fantasies that I have to find someone who has been erased.

My life really was one big exhausting drama back then. If you feel this resonates with experiences you may be going through then it’s always best to seek professional help. Self diagnosis alone is a bad idea because you could easily misdiagnose and if your diagnosis is wrong then the treatment you receive may be wrong too. Get your GP/physician to recommend you to a specialist mental health team for an assessment. It could change your life for the better. I know it has mine.

You can find other information and support on almost any mental health problems through the charity Mind and their website www.mind.org.uk. They’re a really good charity in the UK who do great work surrounding getting people talking and eradicating the stigma people with mental health problems are facing.