Work has a pivotal part to play in the day to day lives of many, if not most people. For some, work is what keeps them occupied and thriving. For others, it’s simply a means of survival. But how is work affected when you have a severe and enduring mental health condition like Borderline Personality Disorder?
Before I dive into the ins and outs, I think it’s really important to note that not all jobs are going to give the same experience. People with BPD can work all sorts of jobs; full time, part time, 9-5s, shift work, self-employment, small businesses and large corporations. Then of course there are creative roles that you can get paid for via donations. These and many more types of work are valid and mustn't be discredited. For the most part I have only had roles where I’ve been employed by an organisation or company, so my personal experiences will come from that environment.
Living with BPD for all of my adult life has meant that I’ve formed a rather complicated relationship with work. Up until the last couple years I associated work too closely with the meaning of my existence. My unstable sense of self has often meant that when I get a new job that becomes my new identity.
Perfectionism & Burnout
I throw myself into the role fully. Often over exerting myself and taking on a workload that would be way too much for most people. If you have BPD work can be extra tiring, as we attempt to mask our symptoms for fear it will cause our colleagues and bosses to dislike us. So what does work see at first? An eager employee with a glowing record who is generally well liked by their colleagues. At home? An exhausted mess of a human who will engage in maladaptive coping mechanisms. I can usually keep this up for a few months before the burn out starts to show. I wake up to my alarm, wishing I didn’t exist, before forcing myself to go in. At my previous job I had to take numerous breaks hiding in the toilet or the store cupboard just to let my facade drop for 5 minutes and allow myself to cry. Eventually the stress of it all stops me from coming into work altogether.
Paranoia & Boredom
At the point of early burnout my perception of the job easily flips, and I begin to demonise the place and everyone in it. Managers I once saw as friendly and fair, become villains that are out to make me miserable at any cost. I worry that my coworkers hate me and just want me gone. My perfectionism slips and I try to avoid doing tasks for fear that people will judge. I make myself look busy even though all I’m doing is panicking. If it was a job that I previously enjoyed, I lose all interest, grow restless and bored. Honestly, when it gets to this point there is no going back for me. It won’t be long until I have to quit and find a new job.
Dissociation & Distraction
Another aspect of BPD that can make work difficult is dissociation. This is a common symptom and for me the most disruptive. It causes me to disconnect from the present moment, to become lost in thoughts, or unable to understand that the world is real. Because of this I might miss out on important details, causing me to make mistakes. Whether or not I get in trouble for them, I will usually tear myself up about it and put myself down. The critical internal voice tells me I am stupid and worthless. Even though I know it’s because of my mental health issues I still won’t cut myself any slack.
Medication
It’s worth writing a very short note about mental health medications. They often have very complicated and unpleasant side effects such as: drowsiness, stomach/bowel issues, shakes and nausea. Dealing with these at home is bad enough, but dealing with these at work can be a nightmare.
So, I’ve talked about the struggles with BPD in the workplace, but I wanted to add a more positive note. People with BPD are often creative and passionate, and can thrive in the right workplace.
Here’s 5 ways of working that might create a better environment for people with BPD:
Part time work - If this is an option for you financially.
Self Employment - I know several women with BPD who run dog walking or small crafts businesses.
Working for a disability confident employer - Some organisations have extra support and offer mental health days.
Flexible working schemes - Check out if your employer offers this and what would best for you.
Working from home - This is becoming ever popular after the pandemic, so many office based jobs offer this.
Whatever you choose to do, remember that work is not your entire life. Whilst essential, it’s important to practice self-care and if you really need that sick day then take it.
Your health is more important than any job. A lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way.
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