What happens after a breakdown?

As you may have guessed from my post recent posts, I’ve been going through a tough time. At the beginning of January my emotional breakdown peaked and I was admitted to hospital, for a week of respite. I’ve spoken a lot about when things start to break down and when I’m deep in a crisis state, but never about what happens after. Usually when people come out the other side of a crisis, they aren’t just miraculously better. The mental and physical toll of being in such a state, really can have an affect on you. It’s this that I want to talk about today.

About a week after I was discharged was when I finally came out of my crisis. I remember laying in bed feeling absolutely exhausted. I had been feeling anxious and out of control for so long, all I wanted to do was sleep. Being signed off from work, I had no reason to leave the house and therefore no reason to take care of my personal hygiene. My friends went out of their way to try and include me and invite me to things, but I simply declined. With no motivation to get out of bed and no drive to socialise, I was quickly declining again.

For you to understand the behaviours you need to understand what was actually happening to me. For the most part of my life my moods can fluctuate quite dramatically. I go between two mental states; deep depression and chaos/anxiety. As I approach a crisis these two states, with differing BPD symptoms, have more of an effect on my life. After the crisis these fluctuations are still present, continue to cause me trouble and could potentially affect my recovery.

In the deep depression phase my baseline mood is extremely low. I would go as far to say it is dysphoric. It feels like the world is a dark and lonely place. I feel like I’m weak and that I’m a failure for not being able to cope. My self esteem drops and I bully myself at every opportunity. Physically I am also drained and often it’s like walking through custard. When you combine all of these things, it leads to not taking care of myself. Not showering, eating badly as I don’t have the energy to cook, staying in bed all day and not taking part in my usual hobbies.

In my chaos or anxiety phase my emotional arousal reaches a high. It’s a bit like mania in the way that my brain is buzzing with activity and I can make rash decisions, but in no way am I ever euphoric or joyful during this phase. Often I am filled with panic and fear about my future or sometimes even the next few hours. I worry that I am making the wrong decisions and that will ultimately lead to my unhappiness. Because of my heightened emotional state I can become irritable and angry. My social anxiety increases causing me to withdraw socially. I become emotionally fragile, so I can easily take things personally or misunderstand. Physical effects can include appetite changes, excessive nail biting, digestive problems and exhaustion.

When these moods are fluctuating uncontrollably and my BPD symptoms increase, it becomes difficult to function in society. The empty feeling inside is unavoidable. I try everything and anything to fill it, which leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms; like drinking and binge eating. My anxiety often causes me to want to run away from the situation and start over, without the ghost of my past. I mean literally run away. Once I had my bags packed and ready to disappear into the night, when my partner was at work. I had nowhere to go, but I was going to do it. It puts pressure on my relationships as no matter what they do for me, I don’t feel loved. If I don’t make the effort to intervene here, I could make some pretty catastrophic decisions. This has often been the reason I have struggled to keep a job or relationship in the past.

With all this going on it can be easy to slip straight back into a crisis. You will often have to take positive steps and actions in order to stay on the road to recovery. In my next post I will be talking about the self-care needed in order to do this. It’s important to note that recovery isn’t necessarily one simple route. There will be dips and setbacks. What matters the most is that you find the strength to dust yourself off and try again.

Out of Darkness. Xx