See you later 2019

From what I am hearing from people, 2019 was a tough year. In the UK it was very politically charged and there was a huge amount of negative energy at every turn. Especially for those living with mental health problems and disabilities. Austerity has been hitting us hard for the past decade and I think some of us are coming to the limits of what we can cope with. Dual cuts to disability benefits and healthcare are leaving us in a position of desperation. So it’s no wonder we might feel as if we’re falling apart. 

I wanted to talk about the hard things that have happened in my life in this past year, but also the good that I’ve seen it in. And, how this next decade can hopefully be one of growth and wellness. 

It’s been a rough year… There is no denying that. 

• I started off the year having an emotional breakdown, following a serious suicide attempt. I was admitted to hospital and I hit my lowest point since 2014. I had to have three months off sick from work and I really thought I was going to lose everything. I eventually went back to work, but I questioned if I could really keep this up.

• My relationship got tough, because life got tough. And we felt as if we just couldn’t catch a break. I was terrified five years of our life together was coming to and end. 

• I fought a battle to get the therapy I need. I wondered if I was going to be abandoned by services once again. 

• In my struggle I lost some good friends, as I withdrew from the world. Some of them I got back, but I think the others are gone for good. 
• The eating issues came back and everytime I looked in the mirror I despised my body. I found myself starving myself for days, eating too much at once and then making myself sick in guilt. I put on weight because my eating habits fluctuate so much. It’s a vicious cycle.
• The night after the general election we stayed up to watch the results come in. I was so angry with the results, because I really didn’t think people could allow a government to stay in that made people with disabilities second class citizens. We have family so I know we’ll never be on the streets, but I thought about those without that privilege. 

But there’s also been so much growth… I’m looking to the future.

• I broke through my mental health nightmare and swore that I would fight my BPD and survive no matter what. I used my experience in hospital to write an article that was picked up by boredpanda, that then went viral! I went back to work and cut down my hours in order to cope and stay employed. I’m now getting on a lot better and can continue to make a difference in people’s lives. 
• My partner and I got through our difficulties together. Our situation hasn’t improved yet, but for the first time I didn’t panic and run. We will work through this together, because apart we don’t stand a chance.  
• I refused to lay down after they told me I wouldn’t be getting DBT. I worked tirelessly to finally be heard. I’ve just received the news that the DBT group starts at the end of this month. 
• I learned that some friendships end and there are others that don’t. People come in and out of our lives all the time. It doesn’t mean that we did something wrong. It’s just a fact of life. 
• I learned to be kinder to myself about my body. I said no to old eating disorder habits creeping back in.
• The night of the election results when I was so afraid of what would come over the next five years, my partner told me he would love me and look after me no matter what. He has always stood by me and I know that will never change. We have another five years to build an argument for a better government and a society that cares for others. 

I want to say thank you to everyone who made last year possible for me. I couldn’t have made it without the support and love of my friends and family. 

With everything that has been going on these last few years around the world, I really wish everyone the best for 2020. Stay strong, love yourself and each other. I’m going to continue doing what I love to do, which is helping people; in both my work and here on this blog. 

Out of Darkness Xxx