Back in December I posted about the importance of self-care. As I mentioned self-care is the act of looking after oneself, whether that’s physically, mentally or spiritually. For those of us with BPD, it’s vital in retaining the emotional resilience to cope with our day to day stressors. Even if you don’t live with any mental health problems self-care is still important. Stress affects us all in this busy, ruthless world where our worth is often based on how much we earn, or how useful we are to society. The day in day out struggle to keep a roof over our heads, feed ourselves and just stay afloat, makes us weary. Without self-care most people would be heading for some sort of crisis in their life. You just never realize until you get there.
Having been signed off work since the beginning of January, recovering from a breakdown, I had been allowing myself to stagnate. Most days I found myself simply laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. I felt unable to look after myself in any way; even small actions seemed like mountains. I had gotten trapped in a vicious cycle of feeling bad, so neglecting my needs and therefore feeling even worse. I found myself spiralling down. What I needed to do was to build up the courage to break that cycle. There had to be a self-care intervention.
One afternoon I worked up the energy to force myself to self-care. I started by cleaning the house; I find a messy house equals a messy mind. I put things away, dusted and hoovered. You know what? I hated every last second of it. I felt tired, my limbs were heavy, I wanted to give up. All the symptoms of a low episode were still there, but in that moment I was able to fight through it. After wards I took a shower. I hadn’t had one in over a week and now I wanted to feel clean to match the house. I often struggle with personal care, because sitting in my own filth gives me a reason to feel terrible; almost like the outside mirrors the inside. I know that I always feel better after a good shower, but my BPD tries to stop me, I don’t think she wants me to escape her claws. But, I did it. After every little thing I did I felt better and better. I planned my week, I started eating good food and even managed to do some yoga and meditation. Over the next few days my mood began lifting and stabilizing.
Over the last few weeks I have gotten myself into a place, where I am no longer spiralling. I won’t say that it’s been perfect, because I’ve been up and down. I had fallen back into old habits a few times, but each time I was able to dig myself back out. Recovery is complicated and it’s normal to be taking two steps forward and one step back. For example I just spent a couple of days in bed, using alcohol to numb the pain and hating myself. With support, I made it out.
I aim to go back to work at the end of the month and for this I need my recovery to continue. In order to do this I have to keep up the self-care. Neglecting it could cause a relapse and actually stopping could be a sign of things starting to breakdown again. My intention is to set some realistic goals. In December I had planned to do more self-care as part of my new years resolution. Now it makes even more sense to do this.
I will be starting this self-care challenge to see if I can keep it up and make slow changes to my life. I hope anyone who reads this might consider doing the same. I hope to be posting weekly updates of how it’s been going and how it’s been affecting my mood. I’m going to be starting small at just a few activities a week and slowly build up. I’m going to post a checklist of sorts for the self-care I should be doing everyday and some less frequent ones. With any luck this should help to keep my mind out of trouble.
As a further note: Self care is hard. A moment will come where you have just enough energy. You have to fight. You can gain back control. It might take some time, but eventually that day will come. It’s okay to ask for help too, that’s a sign of you acknowledging your own needs. We don’t have to do it alone. Set reasonable goals. Praise yourself and don’t get mad if you can’t manage it today. There are more days. Recovery is slow, but it is worth it. Getting out of the rut will be the best thing you ever did.
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