What can I do to prevent my mental health declining during the lockdown? Part two (extra bits for Keyworkers)

I’m a Keyworker!

Firstly, thank you and keep up the outstanding work. The solidarity I’ve seen as an NHS support worker (mental health services) has been truly amazing. More than ever we have each other’s backs, even when it seems we are more understaffed and underfunded than ever. Remember we are the ones who have the strength to keep the world turning in this crisis. As well as my day job, I wanted to help out by reminding you to look after yourselves during these times and giving you a few tips that have been helping me. 

• We matter - Our lives revolve around making sure others are safe, but if we don’t look after ourselves during this pandemic, then many more lives could be lost. Make sure you have the PPE you need and make sure you’re shown how to wear it correctly. If you cannot get the correct PPE then you need to contact your union immediately. Recently the staff at a London NHS trust have protested over a lack of PPE and I commend them for it. We are not sacrificial! That’s the message the whole world needs to hear. Also, if you show any symptoms, isolate immediately. It’s only natural that we would want to stay and help, but this actually causes more harm than good.
• Talk to your colleagues - No one knows what you’re going through quite like these people. The team around me during my 13.5 hour shifts have done wonders keeping from falling apart. Even if it’s just to vent together it’s more beneficial than you’d think. 
• Put your devices down - If like me you’ve been following the COVD-19 events unfolding, like the infection and death rates, it’s enough to start seeping into your nightmares. Facebook as usual is a hive of misinformation and negativity. I found it helpful to disconnect every few days. Spend the time you have talking to your family/friends or doing something where the news can’t disturb you for a few hours. 
• Avoid NHS shopping times  - Controversial, but this is based on my own experience in the area where I live. I have had absolutely no luck with these designated early times. I have found that if you work shifts, then you can use this to your advantage; go at weird times. Also my local Lidl (which has no specified times set aside) seems to be fully stocked on Monday mornings around 8am, with very little queueing. Shops like B&M and Home Bargains are practically empty (but well stocked) come about 3pm. If you work at an NHS hospital check and see if they are offering free food to staff; mine started last week. 
• Take advantage of FREE - There are a selection of usually ‘pay for’ apps for improving your mental health, that are now free with an NHS email until the end of 2020. My personal favourites are Headspace and Unmind. It’s a brilliant time to get into mindfulness and meditation. If you have your phone on your breaks, then a 5 minute session will really help to clear your head and prepare you for the rest of the shift. 

Once again I just want to thank you all. Not just the emergency services and NHS, but also the people keeping our shops stocked, delivering our mail and a huge shoutout to our local councils who are working tirelessly to ensure our communities stay safe. 

OutofDarkness Xx

What can I do to prevent my mental health declining during the lockdown? Part One

I’m Stuck at Home. 

• Create yourself a schedule - This is something I’ve been doing for years now. It really gives me a sense of purpose and time. Even if it’s just scheduling a time for getting out of bed, meal times and bedtimes. After you’ve done that you will see gaps where you can add things you have to do and things you’d like to do. Keeping a regular pattern helps to keep normality; as much as is possible. You can create a schedule with a simple pen and paper or using your computer or a calendar app on your phone. If you don’t mind spending a few pounds then my favourite way is by actually buying a planner. Order online of course. 
• Stick to your office hours - If you’re working from home, this is key for reducing stress levels. It may be tempting to hit snooze until lunch time and just work until 8pm, but I promise you by the time you get to 5pm you’ll be cursing under your breath. Also another tip for working at home, create a work station (if you have space). Try not to bring your work into other parts of your home. Leave work at the door (figuratively). 
• Friends and family - Though we cannot see our loved ones in person, it’s important to keep contact where possible. Try to arrange times friends are free for a good chat; you could even put it in your schedule. If you’re worried about running your minutes down, then skype, whatsapp and facebook all have video call features. Another fun app I’ve discovered recently is Houseparty. Up to 8 people can join the video chat and you even play games and do quizzes together. There are also online communities for those of you that might not have anyone to talk to, or maybe you just need to talk about your difficulties in a safe space; Elefriends (by mind) is one such place. I’ve been a member for a long time now and the community is brilliant.
• Escapism - I cannot stress enough how well this is working for me right now. Escapism can be anything that temporarily distracts you from current life events. Writing, art, making music, reading, playing games; anything that works for you. Personally my creative writing, Animal Crossing and Breath of the Wild, have given me fantasy worlds to retreat to. 
• Exercise - You knew it was coming. We all know regular exercise is vital for our bodies, but we often forget what it does for our minds. Exercise releases chemicals called endorphins, which can help to beat stress. Now, I can practically hear the anxious groans of people like me, whose mental health conditions would never let them go jogging in public. Madness! Indoor exercise however, is no lesser. Easy home yoga, zumba and many other classes are available free on Youtube. If you have a Nintendo Switch/ Wii ‘Just Dance’ is a great workout. I’ve also heard good things about the Switch's ‘Ring Fit’ (though I currently lack the funding for that). 
• Emotional Support - Many of you may currently be finding it difficult to get support for your mental health. Check to see what your mental health service is offering locally. Some services are still running and over the phone support seems to be the main port of call. You can also find support within online communities, close and impartial friends and some helplines, which you can access via this link. 

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

Look out for my next post where I talk about what you can do to cope if you’re a Keyworker. 

Hi everyone, 

I hope you’re keeping well. As you may have now heard we’re expecting a further 3 weeks of lockdown in the UK. I know how difficult this is for many of us, myself included. This is however, crucial to minimizing the impact Covid-19 is having on our communities.

I recently wrote a letter of support to you all about our current situation. These are difficult times for us all, but especially for those with mental health problems and disabilities. We’re often a group that is marginalised. We may have already been isolated, or perhaps we don’t cope with loneliness well. Because of the past years of austerity, a lot of people like us are in poor housing and many haven’t been able to save a lot of money. I work part time because of my mental health so I am earning around two thirds of what full time work would give me. The point is that people with mental health problems may be in a more difficult situation than others. This is especially important to realise during times of international crisis. 

In line with this, my next two posts will be about things you can do to help you cope. It’s not an instant fix, but it’s some advice that I have found really helpful. 

Stay Safe.
OutofDarkness Xx

A letter of support during difficult times

Dear readers, 

Whether you are living with mental health problems, self isolating/shielding, working from home or one of the many essential key workers braving this storm; times are no doubt having a huge impact on our daily lives. The countermeasures for this pandemic have had to come hard and fast in order to slow the arrival of the peak and protect the most vulnerable. The severity of the actions (though needed) have found many of us stuck at home, and the rest of us working flat out to keep our communities running. 

Recently I’ve noticed a lot of big talk about how easy it is to ‘simply stay at home’, being parroted across social media. Honestly it disappoints me that people I know have been posting this about their circles. It’s ignorant to assume that everyone’s needs are the same. Maybe it is ‘easy’ for those who don’t live alone, those who are still being kept busy working from home and those living without anxiety, depression and complex disorders. 

My BPD has me overthinking myself into a downward spiral at the best of times. Let alone with the constant shadow of COVID-19 looming over me. It’s in my news feed, my support groups and now even in my blog! (Granted that one’s my fault) It’s finding brand new ways to trigger my anxiety and work its way into my headspace. I’ve spoken to others who have been feeling the same thing. My mental health has been getting so bad, that by every evening I’ve been stressing so much, I’m getting that familiar drowning feeling I get before a breakdown. Either that or I feel like I’m walking through a very unsettling dream. 

Many people who have trauma in their past, automatically dissociate in stressful or anxiety provoking situations. 

Dissociation can be a coping mechanism we’ve developed in order to survive distressing situations. So if you're experiencing this sensation, you aren't alone. 

Please also remember that lockdown has taken our support services; a vital lifeline for many! There are no visits from our mental health teams, no therapies, no day services and certainly a serious lack of inpatient beds. Be kinder to each other. People ‘complaining’ they can’t go about their daily lives usually isn’t a sign of selfishness. A daily routine is what keeps many of us out of emotional distress. We’re experiencing a huge adjustment, so adapting won’t be easy for anyone.

Finally we may be socially distanced, but we are in this together. So please:

Remember those with mental health problems

Remember vulnerable people living alone

Remember those working around the clock

It’s not easy for everyone.

OutofDarkness Xx  

Is the NHS sickness system fair to people with disabilities?

I’m writing this from my bed, because I’m once again sick. Only this time it’s physical. I came back from a lovely holiday in Amsterdam, with a cough and a sore throat. A bit annoying, but no problem - I usually get over colds in a couple of days, plus I’m used to going about my daily life not feeling well. I had one day at home before going onto my night shifts. I found myself getting rapidly worse and the lack of sleep certainly wasn’t helping. By the second night I was feverish and coughing badly. I knew I shouldn’t have gone in, but I’ve had so much time off for mental health problems that I was scared to go through another sickness review, let alone not get paid. After my nights I found myself bed bound. Fever, dry cough, aches and pains and a tight chest. On Monday evening I had a coughing fit so bad I almost passed out. Still I was determined to go to work. 

So here I am, suffering and extremely upset that I had to call in sick yesterday. I’ve not had a single day off since my last breakdown in September. Now I’m here tearing myself apart because I can’t physically work and I’m terrified of losing my job. 

The NHS uses a system called the Bradford Score to monitor sickness. It works by combining your episodes of sickness with the number of days you take in each episode. So in theory having 3 separate episodes lasting 1 day each should give you a higher score (the lower the better) than having 1 episode lasting 3 days. This sounds like it should actually be better for people with disabilities and long term mental health problems; that’s what the NHS claims also. 

But think about this: 

• You have an emotional breakdown a year into your new job. You get hospitalised and have to take long term sick.
• You’re not getting paid after 4 weeks, but everyone encouraged you to do what’s best for yourself.
• When you return measures aren’t really put into place (flexi-working), because of poor management at the time. Without reasonable adjustments you cope about 3 months before you relapse again.
• This time changes are made and for a while you’re doing fine again, enjoying work. Time goes by and your Bradford Score is about to improve.
• Then you come down with some sort of flu.

You see, having that one or two days off for a physical illness, will then massively put up your Bradford Score and you could potentially be looking at a stage 3 sickness review and a possible dismissal. 

Despite giving everything to your job. 

Despite being told you’re good at what you do. 

Despite loving the difference you make.

So you tell me how this system is fair for people like me? I’ve tried so hard to stay in work. I’m lucky that I have gained the skills to manage my BPD for the most part, but many others don’t have that. I feel like I am almost constantly punished for fighting to get my life back and keep it. I can’t understand why our society makes this so difficult. 

So enough complaining! What’s the solution? 

I’m no HR manager, but what if there were two separate systems? One for sickness related to your disability and another for sickness unrelated to your disability. Is it really hard to imagine such a system. Having separate records would ensure people with disabilities weren’t penalised for a short unrelated illness, in the same year as a flare up. It seems to me more logical than the current one and a lot fairer. People with disabilities have so much to bring to the workplace and this is no different in the NHS. So why should we be discriminated against for looking after our health? 

Honestly I believe more needs to be done so people with disabilities aren’t punished for trying to work. I’m doubtful (at this time) that organisations that use the Bradford Score will be willing to change their systems. However, the more people that know and understand how this practice discriminates, the more chance we have of people taking a stand.  

  

What we build our self-worth around.

Self-worth is a topic that resonates strongly with many people with disabilities and mental health conditions. It rules the way you see yourself in relation to the world around you. Increasingly it seems to be about whether the skills you bring to the table can make someone money. I want to talk about where these attitudes are coming from, why they are harmful and what we can do as a society to combat this. 

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” 

A question that most of us were asked from a very early age. When you’re 7 years old you can answer this anyway you like. I mean unless you wanted to be Charizard… yeah I was a weird kid. By the time you reach secondary school however, it all sort of slips out of reach. I remember at age 13 I told my mum I wanted to become a writer. All I ever did was write; stories, diaries, music and poetry. I loved to read and spent my time escaping into Harry Potter books and the Darren Shan Saga. Imagine my disappointment when my mum discouraged me because ‘it wouldn’t make me any money.’ Our society often discourages music, art or creative writing, saying it should only be for the elite; the best of the best. What she and others said to me about this, kicked my confidence enough that I dropped the idea of a writing career and didn’t show my writing to anyone for years after. To this day I still don’t show my fictional writing to anyone. As I got older and was asked to make decisions about my future, I tried not to think about what I really wanted. When pushed I would talk a little about creative arts and I was always discouraged with, “don’t you want to have a career?” 

By the time I got to college I was completely aimless. I took A levels in psychology, biology, philosophy and photography. Why? No idea at all. I just wanted to find something people would be pleased with. The thing about studying subjects you’re only mildly interested in is you’ll probably do badly in them; which I did. The point I am trying to make is: At some point I knew what I wanted to do, but because it wasn't seen as profitable, I abandoned my dreams at age 13. 

I don’t blame my mum or the school careers advisors at all. They were only trying to help me out in the best way they could. They were teaching me exactly what they were taught; what most of us are taught. Our society mocks those who create, because it’s seen as being a ‘cop out’, like we’re just trying to avoid ‘real work’ that makes money. People rarely see art as a career choice. It’s not only the arts though. How often do you see people in roles such as cleaners and fast food workers laughed at for not earning enough? Who was told at school that if you didn’t work hard you’d end up flipping burgers? Certain jobs are seen as ‘better’ than others; causing a divide between these workers and those earning more. It creates an ‘us and them’ mentality, and I'm not sure that's entirely an accident. Conspiracy theories aside, we also live in an era where most people don’t have a lot of time to appreciate art. When money gets tight, we know that the creative arts are the first things to go. 

So why should we encourage creative arts in those who love them? Firstly, everyone starts somewhere. We have no idea of the talent we may have discouraged. You can only become good at something by practicing. It's important we teach children that they don’t have to be the best at everything in order to succeed. Believe me all that does is lead to anxious and overly eager to please adults, who think they have to fight to the top of the pile to be accepted and loved. Secondly, art and music does wonders for mental health. Doing something that brings you fulfilment, enjoyment and gives you a way to express yourself, can never be a bad thing. Thirdly, self esteem. Creating a piece of work that you are proud of can really make you feel in control of your life. Like you have worth, which is so important in a society that constantly questions it. 

What can we do to combat this idea that the only worth comes in the form of money? Mostly it’s about taking small steps to encourage ourselves. To go beyond what people are saying we should do and really taking a long hard look inside. If you want to draw, paint, sing, act, dance, or even write a blog, then do it! Don’t think about the money, because money isn’t the route of all happiness. Currently I make no money from what I do on here, but I love it. I can share my experiences and reach out to people I never usually could. It’s also therapeutic for me to be able to express my thoughts and feelings. It’s easier to write it down than to speak with someone face to face. Another thing we can do is to teach our families, friends and children that not everything can be bought. We can stop making fun of people with low income jobs and stop treating their roles as a punishment for not working hard enough at school. Bring your children up in a world that respects differing abilities and teach them this: 

You don’t have to make money from something for it to be worthwhile.  

See you later 2019

From what I am hearing from people, 2019 was a tough year. In the UK it was very politically charged and there was a huge amount of negative energy at every turn. Especially for those living with mental health problems and disabilities. Austerity has been hitting us hard for the past decade and I think some of us are coming to the limits of what we can cope with. Dual cuts to disability benefits and healthcare are leaving us in a position of desperation. So it’s no wonder we might feel as if we’re falling apart. 

I wanted to talk about the hard things that have happened in my life in this past year, but also the good that I’ve seen it in. And, how this next decade can hopefully be one of growth and wellness. 

It’s been a rough year… There is no denying that. 

• I started off the year having an emotional breakdown, following a serious suicide attempt. I was admitted to hospital and I hit my lowest point since 2014. I had to have three months off sick from work and I really thought I was going to lose everything. I eventually went back to work, but I questioned if I could really keep this up.

• My relationship got tough, because life got tough. And we felt as if we just couldn’t catch a break. I was terrified five years of our life together was coming to and end. 

• I fought a battle to get the therapy I need. I wondered if I was going to be abandoned by services once again. 

• In my struggle I lost some good friends, as I withdrew from the world. Some of them I got back, but I think the others are gone for good. 
• The eating issues came back and everytime I looked in the mirror I despised my body. I found myself starving myself for days, eating too much at once and then making myself sick in guilt. I put on weight because my eating habits fluctuate so much. It’s a vicious cycle.
• The night after the general election we stayed up to watch the results come in. I was so angry with the results, because I really didn’t think people could allow a government to stay in that made people with disabilities second class citizens. We have family so I know we’ll never be on the streets, but I thought about those without that privilege. 

But there’s also been so much growth… I’m looking to the future.

• I broke through my mental health nightmare and swore that I would fight my BPD and survive no matter what. I used my experience in hospital to write an article that was picked up by boredpanda, that then went viral! I went back to work and cut down my hours in order to cope and stay employed. I’m now getting on a lot better and can continue to make a difference in people’s lives. 
• My partner and I got through our difficulties together. Our situation hasn’t improved yet, but for the first time I didn’t panic and run. We will work through this together, because apart we don’t stand a chance.  
• I refused to lay down after they told me I wouldn’t be getting DBT. I worked tirelessly to finally be heard. I’ve just received the news that the DBT group starts at the end of this month. 
• I learned that some friendships end and there are others that don’t. People come in and out of our lives all the time. It doesn’t mean that we did something wrong. It’s just a fact of life. 
• I learned to be kinder to myself about my body. I said no to old eating disorder habits creeping back in.
• The night of the election results when I was so afraid of what would come over the next five years, my partner told me he would love me and look after me no matter what. He has always stood by me and I know that will never change. We have another five years to build an argument for a better government and a society that cares for others. 

I want to say thank you to everyone who made last year possible for me. I couldn’t have made it without the support and love of my friends and family. 

With everything that has been going on these last few years around the world, I really wish everyone the best for 2020. Stay strong, love yourself and each other. I’m going to continue doing what I love to do, which is helping people; in both my work and here on this blog. 

Out of Darkness Xxx