Somehow we've made it through yet another year. Highly commendable considering the rough ride that 2020 has been.
I started off hopeful, as many of us did, but as March rolled around a worldwide emergency gripped us. Enter lockdown, the likes of which none of us in this country had seen before. The idea that governments could force people to stay in their homes was something I'd only ever seen in apocalyptic movies. Working for the NHS was scary. In mental health services we weren't seeing the Covid numbers rising in our inpatients, but staff were getting it left, right and centre. The shops were chaos. Two hour queues to get into our local supermarket. We resorted to shopping in pound shops and getting our fresh produce from the less busy markets. I remember the first time I walked into Basildon high street since the lockdown. Not a soul in sight. The quiet was eerie and even the pidgeons seemed scarce. My partner started a new job working at an airport, considered stable one week then almost certainly non-existent the next. It was then I started to truly realise the scope of the whole thing.
The unfortunate thing about understanding what is going on in the world, is the adverse effect it has on your mental health. After half a year of what can only be described as the Covid restriction hokey cokey, I was feeling exhausted. I wasn't the only one. Unable to see our loved ones, living in isolation and fear, many of us were (maybe still are) wondering why stick around to see the end? This environment is rife with triggers for those of us living with a mental health condition or disability. For me watching the news would bring on paranoias I had long forgotten. The feeling of being watched constantly was only re-enforced. I distinctly remember sticking blue tack over my laptop's webcam for at least 3 months. The monotony of going to work, but not being able to see my friends or family, caused me more emotional instability and I was often feeling at crisis point. The uncertainty was probably the worst experience for me. I'd be happy to have been in lockdown for the whole summer if it had meant we could see our families at Christmas.
Despite the disruption that Covid has caused in our lives, there were positives in my life. I started my DBT and honestly it could not have come at a better time. I don't think I would have survived this year without it. I started training to be a Counsellor in September, which is going well. I've also started working with mental health services in my area to help fight stigma against patients with personality disorders. In a normal year I would have felt incredibly proud of myself, but I'd sort of forgotten about my acheivements until now. A really helpful task is to do a timeline of your year, writing down everything significant that happened. It just helps to process things for me.
There is light on the horizon for us. Life may never truly return to normal, but a few vaccines have now been approved and are rolling out. I'm due to get mine by the end of January, because of my job. We are going to see our friends again. We're eventually going to be able to hug our parents and grandparents without fear. It is coming and we have all been so strong throughout this. Even if we lost our fitness, we started drinking more or felt as if we might break, we are still here.
The next challenge for us is not to turn away once we emerge from isolation. It is likely we will find ourselves in the middle of a national mental health crisis. The fear and separation we have faced will cause many people to experience issues they never have before. Those of us living with a condition may find ourselves slipping back into crisis. During the next few months it is important that we take care of ourselves, be kind to others and to reach out if we need to. Give yourself time for the chaos to pass.
Stay safe everyone. Wishing you all a better year.
Outofdarkness Xx.
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