Trigger Warning - suicidal ideation and actions
After finishing my therapy in December I thought everything would be fine. I was extremely optimistic and only a little bit scared that I would be going it on my own. I was on the list to get DBT, but I knew it would probably take some time; 6 months at least. After 2-3 years of psychotherapy I assumed that my life was going to be better from now on.
In October time I had taken a pretty large overdose and ended up hospitalised for two days. Thinking about it, it was the biggest overdose I had ever taken. I lost two days of my life in a state of delirium. But, since the end of the therapy, I thought that things were looking up. I looked at that relapse as the final kick; my illness trying one last time to take me out before I got rid of it for good. Coming through that felt like such an achievement. This lead to a lot of the positivity I was experiencing.
I returned to work quickly. Eager to put it all behind me and move on with my life. Looking back on it, I was frightened they would notice something was wrong with me. I’ve always struggled with putting too much stock in the job I do. I treat it like an identity, since I struggle with who I am most days. The thought of my colleagues thinking I was weak made my stomach churn with anxiety.
It wasn’t long before I started running into difficulties again. I hadn’t given myself time to heal emotionally and so I had returned to work still in a crisis. I went through each day dreading the next one. I tried to take annual leave here and there to give myself some time, but I was just fire fighting. By the time Christmas had come and gone, I was at my limit. I remember waking up one morning before work in early January and just thinking, “I wish I could just die.” The stress of actually pulling all the bits of my scattered self together and holding it there for 13.5 hours, was just too much.
I remember feeling as if I had nothing else to give. I felt emotionally destroyed and so weak. I was sitting on the sofa worrying about work, when it hit me. It didn’t matter if I was fit to do my job right now or not if I was dead in the next few days. I was angry at myself for always putting work and other people before my own life. Feeling like I might do something stupid, I went to see my GP who sent me straight to A&E. After a few hours sitting and waiting, I was seen by the crisis team, who in turn admitted me to the mental health assessment unit. It had been so long since I had been there and honestly it felt terrible. I knew at least I would be safer there than at home. I won’t go into much more detail of the events that happened in the hospital, because I’m sure it’s already been discussed in a previous post. I was off work for a long time. Like 3 months, all because I had seen the warning signs and completely ignored them. I felt so bad about all of it. I kept wondering what work would think and if I should go back soon. I kept having to shake myself out of the frenzy and remind myself I was taking this time to heal. For me.
I learned a lot from my breakdown and my time off. Things I probably wouldn’t have been able to learn if I hadn’t been through the therapy. I learned not to push my emotions down or ignore my body. I learned to be kinder to myself, at least once in a while. I also learned that the other person inside of me, the vulnerable girl, she was not my enemy. And, she certainly wasn’t something I had to get rid off. Being able to cope as a functioning adult meant embracing her and taking care of myself. Appearing emotional doesn’t mean that people will think you’re weak. And if they do, why should you care about what they think?
Now I’m waiting for my DBT. I’m optimistic that it’s going to help me cope better and hopefully learn more about who I am. I've had to wait a long time for it, but now it’s only about a month away. My journey in intensive psychotherapy certainly had its ups and downs. It’s helped me address past issues, solve problems and learn to experience the emotions I struggle with. It’s prepared me to move forward with my life in the knowledge that I deserve to be happy. I don’t regret a single second of any of it and would definitely recommend it to people struggling with BPD and other trauma based illnesses. Without that therapy group I don’t think I would have made it this far. So thank you to everyone who made it possible.
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