Update: 14/08

 Hi everyone

Firstly I have to apologise for my posts slowing down recently. I don’t think I wrote anything in July. A little update for what’s going on in my life right now. I finally have a start date for my Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT)! Hopefully this time it won’t be delayed 9 months, because of Covid-19 here in the UK. This group therapy is going to be via the NHS’ version of Microsoft teams to begin with, which should mean if we go back into lockdown it won’t be disrupted. In one way it’s good, because it’s finally happening after half a decade of waiting, but it’ll be different from what I was expecting. I guess we’re all having to change and adapt our lives to the new normal. 

The second big thing going on in my life is that I’ve been accepted onto a level 2 counselling course, which starts mid-september. It’s something I’ve been thinking about doing for a while. I currently work as a support worker in mental health and have dreams of becoming a qualified counsellor. I really enjoy the 1:1 aspect of the support I give, and would love my role to be focused on helping people set and achieve their personal and mental health goals. 

Despite being very busy, I do have a really interesting piece in the works. It’s a topic not often talked about by people with BPD and I think it’s really important we start to speak up about it, so others don’t feel so alone. I hope you enjoy it when it's ready.

In the meantime, take care of yourselves. We’re not on dry land just yet, but we’ll pull through these difficult times. 

Out of Darkness. Xx

Online Support: Helpful or Harmful?

Whether you’ve been battling with your mental health for decades or you’re just finding your feet on your journey to recovery, online support is probably something that you’ve considered or taken part in. As many of us living with BPD have, I’ve sought out countless forums on social media and bespoke websites. I certainly have my fair share of opinions of which ones to avoid. From a professional aspect (source: my day job), social media is not recommended for dealing with moderate to serious mental health problems. Especially on sites like facebook, tumblr or reddit, where moderation isn’t as tight as it needs to be. However, when accessing professional treatment takes years, you can understand why people would try to use these sites for healing. 

Today I wanted to discuss my thoughts on online support systems and try to come to some sort of conclusion that might guide others to make a decision for themselves. I can only include my own experiences, so if you have a different story to tell it would be great if you could leave a comment. 

So firstly, what am I talking about when I say online support systems? I am referring to either specific groups or forums on social media that deal with mental health, OR sites dedicated to providing a safe space to talk about mental health. They might offer a place to relate to others or just simply somewhere to vent. You can find them just about anywhere on the internet and they are normally easily accessible and come at no financial cost. They allow you to connect with people in similar situations to yourself, which when you have BPD isn’t easy; we often try to hide our symptoms away in our day to day lives and are unlikely to confide in others. In these communities I always felt more free to be myself. Some online support has the capacity to teach you healthier coping skills and learn from others further ahead in their journey to recovery. In this way it can be used to help with milder symptoms.  

As with all things there is a light and dark side to these support systems. The keyword for this part of my evaluation is Toxicity. In this case a toxic environment is one where there is a continual pattern of negative actions and narratives that cause harm to individuals and the group as a whole. In online BPD communities this can be a culture of peer pressure, berating others for having different opinions, or even becoming unhealthily reliant on one another. At times I’ve also seen a lot of “one-up-manship” due to the group invalidating each other; for example, saying that because someone is not as severe a self harmer that their BPD is somehow lesser than. This usually results in the person feeling they have something to prove, leading to a self-harm incident (one of the worst examples of toxicity I have witnessed). Without having the skills to spot toxicity and detach yourself from those environments, they become detrimental to mental health and recovery.  

Looking around on a search engine like google will find more results than you can count, so here are a few I’ve encountered; plus my honest opinions on their usefulness. 

Facebook - Yikes, let’s start with the worst then. Finding a private BPD group on facebook is easy. You simply search for one, apply to join and promise to follow the rules. The moderators warn you from the start about certain behaviours that will not be tolerated. Brilliant, you say. Fantastic! Except for it doesn’t happen. The group was abundant with arguments that usually ended in suicide threats. The moderators would try to calm the situation, but only ended up joining the argument themselves. For people who are highly sensitive and emotional (like us with BPD) it was an incredibly unhealthy environment. In general I would describe Facebook as a virtual hellscape for mental health, but these groups really took the biscuit. Avoid.

Reddit - Not all of you will be familiar with Reddit. For those that don’t know it’s a site that has forums for everything, literally. From cute animals to BDSM and other subjects in between, including BPD and other mental health conditions. Their moderation is slightly better and some of the forums can be really helpful. If you need to find a way to relate to others with similar experiences then it’s okay in my book; plus the BPD memes forum is a great way to inject some relatable humour into your life. However, avoid BPD carers or loved ones if you don’t want to relive all your abandonment fears. Be cautious.

Tumblr - If you’ve ever struggled with eating disorders then just avoid it. All together! There is a very prevalent Pro-Ana/Mia community and it’s the most triggering place I’ve ever been. It’s tempting to ignore Tumblr’s clear warning about getting help and honestly I have no idea why those blogs haven’t been removed. Avoid.

Elefriends - Now finally I get to talk about my favourite support platform. Elefriends has been specifically designed to provide a safe space and bespoke support to people with mental health problems. It was created by the UK charity Mind. It’s moderators are trained, you can report posts easily, and you can turn private messages on and off. The Elephant posts topics of discussion, helpful self-care hints, and other activities for users to get involved in. Unlike other social media sites, Elefriends boasts an “I need urgent help” button, which gives you the choice of emergency advice, helplines, crisis coping tools, and advice on how to help someone you’re worried about. Another thoughtful feature is that if the Elephant finds a post from you about struggling to cope or having a crisis, you’ll get a message checking in on you. Elefriends gets a 10/10 and I’d recommend it for those seeking a safe community online. Thumbs up!

I would always suggest seeking professional mental health help, but there is no reason you can’t use online support networks alongside help you’re seeking. Especially during this time where we have little contact with our usual support networks. In an isolated world it can be very effective if used properly. So the answer to the question “Is online support helpful or harmful?” is that it can be both. It’s up to you to decide what works for you, although I hope my little guide might give you some direction. 

Remember...  

Is it helping you Heal?

Are you Happy with how you and others are treated?

Is it Hurting or triggering more than you can manage?

Finally, online support is not for everyone all the time. You should dip in and out depending on your wellbeing. For this reason I find it helpful to not get attached to individuals, which helps to stop you from feeling obligated. There are alternatives to online support for those times when it’s not what you need. Charities like Mind and Rethink usually have a local branch in your area where you can take part in creative groups, coffee groups or even walking groups. Recovery colleges are also scattered about that provide free or low cost courses on mental health and wellbeing. Whilst we cannot access many of those currently due to the Covid situation, when things get rolling again we should have them back. If you’re completely isolated, either because of Covid or other illness, then I find personal experience books to be really relatable and some books have really changed the way I see myself for the better. I personally love reading and a good book is exactly what I need to pull me away from my screens. Pair that up with a hot mug of tea and it’s my idea of a perfect afternoon. 

Keep staying safe guys. 

Out of Darkness Xx.

I take medication to function, and that's okay!

Medication. It’s a topic heavily discussed and often argued by anyone with a connection to mental health. Whether that be health care professionals, carers, those directly affected, or even just friends and family. It seems that everyone has an opinion and some of these can lead to a lot of disagreement and upset. I remember one family gathering (in public I might add) several members of my extended family brought up the fact I was on mental health meds and proceeded to say how ridiculous this was. 

“You’ve never been depressed. You were always such a happy child. You don’t want to start taking those.” A well meaning, but hurtful comment a relative made. Unfortunately my father chimed in that I was doing all this for attention. 

I’m sure this is a familiar situation that a lot of people who read this blog may have gone through. It’s certainly an uncomfortable one. Especially when you’re fighting with your own paranoia over continuing to take your meds. 

Other misconceptions (AKA stupid stuff) I have heard include: 

“My boyfriend told me to stop taking my medication, because he didn’t want to date the product of a pill.” - An old friend suffering with Body Dysmorphia

“You don’t need to be on SSRIs, just do a really good workout.” - Random gym dude

I was first prescribed antidepressants (SSRIs) at age 19, after being diagnosed with atypical depression by my GP. I knew that something was deeply wrong with how I felt. The emotions were unbearably strong and the only thing I could liken it to was despair. We hadn’t heard about Borderline Personality Disorder at that time. As a result of this, I have tried many different antidepressants over the years. Not surprisingly none of these did much for me and they came with some unpleasant side effects. 

It wasn’t until I was diagnosed correctly around age 23, that I was prescribed a medication that really helped me. Quetiapine is a multi-purpose drug. It can be used as an antipsychotic or a mood stabiliser; depending on the dosage. For me personally it helped my moods, my delusional thinking, my sleep and even some of my obsessive tendencies. Before I started taking it I was really suffering with my symptoms. I had dropped out of university because of them and I hadn’t even been able to work. I was suicidal most days and couldn’t resist the impulses I had surrounding that. For me, I wasn’t living a life worth living. Quetiapine didn’t fix all this, but it dampened the emotionally painful symptoms, making it easier for me to function. After a year or so of taking it I was able to live more ‘normally’. I started attending group therapy and also got myself a part-time job. I was still suicidal, but I acted on it a lot less and the self-harm was reducing. 

Five years later and I’m still taking Quetiapine. The dosage has had to be tweaked here and there, and I have to have medication reviews every six months. I attended a lot of psychodynamic therapy, which also has really helped me. Without my medication however I don’t think I could have attended it. I also take Promethazine now, for anxiety. 

It’s important to know that any mental health medications you take can be a double-edged sword. Whilst they can dampen symptoms and keep you functional, you may also experience side effects. There are prescription costs and even dependency in some cases. You have to look at the benefits versus the monetary and physical cost. For me, the positives far outweigh the negatives. I am certain that without my medication I wouldn’t be here. 

Another thing to consider is medication versus therapy. We know that specific therapies are often more effective than medications, because they deal with the root cause of the problem rather than the symptoms. However, therapy takes time and can be expensive/hard to access, depending on if it has NHS funding or not. Most people with BPD have experienced mixture of both, with a view to eventually come off medication when their clinician feels they are ready. In some cases (like mine) medication may be needed long term. 

  Trust me when I say I am not ashamed.

No one should be made to feel bad about needing to take mental health medication. You wouldn’t feel bad for taking paracetamol for a headache. You wouldn’t shame a diabetic for taking their insulin. Mental health is viewed under a different lens than physical health. That is changing though and speaking out about the issue is helping. That’s why I write blog posts like this one. For all of you taking medication out there, I hope that my experiences and words will help to ease your mind. 

Stay safe
Out of Darkness Xx

What can I do to prevent my mental health declining during the lockdown? Part two (extra bits for Keyworkers)

I’m a Keyworker!

Firstly, thank you and keep up the outstanding work. The solidarity I’ve seen as an NHS support worker (mental health services) has been truly amazing. More than ever we have each other’s backs, even when it seems we are more understaffed and underfunded than ever. Remember we are the ones who have the strength to keep the world turning in this crisis. As well as my day job, I wanted to help out by reminding you to look after yourselves during these times and giving you a few tips that have been helping me. 

• We matter - Our lives revolve around making sure others are safe, but if we don’t look after ourselves during this pandemic, then many more lives could be lost. Make sure you have the PPE you need and make sure you’re shown how to wear it correctly. If you cannot get the correct PPE then you need to contact your union immediately. Recently the staff at a London NHS trust have protested over a lack of PPE and I commend them for it. We are not sacrificial! That’s the message the whole world needs to hear. Also, if you show any symptoms, isolate immediately. It’s only natural that we would want to stay and help, but this actually causes more harm than good.
• Talk to your colleagues - No one knows what you’re going through quite like these people. The team around me during my 13.5 hour shifts have done wonders keeping from falling apart. Even if it’s just to vent together it’s more beneficial than you’d think. 
• Put your devices down - If like me you’ve been following the COVD-19 events unfolding, like the infection and death rates, it’s enough to start seeping into your nightmares. Facebook as usual is a hive of misinformation and negativity. I found it helpful to disconnect every few days. Spend the time you have talking to your family/friends or doing something where the news can’t disturb you for a few hours. 
• Avoid NHS shopping times  - Controversial, but this is based on my own experience in the area where I live. I have had absolutely no luck with these designated early times. I have found that if you work shifts, then you can use this to your advantage; go at weird times. Also my local Lidl (which has no specified times set aside) seems to be fully stocked on Monday mornings around 8am, with very little queueing. Shops like B&M and Home Bargains are practically empty (but well stocked) come about 3pm. If you work at an NHS hospital check and see if they are offering free food to staff; mine started last week. 
• Take advantage of FREE - There are a selection of usually ‘pay for’ apps for improving your mental health, that are now free with an NHS email until the end of 2020. My personal favourites are Headspace and Unmind. It’s a brilliant time to get into mindfulness and meditation. If you have your phone on your breaks, then a 5 minute session will really help to clear your head and prepare you for the rest of the shift. 

Once again I just want to thank you all. Not just the emergency services and NHS, but also the people keeping our shops stocked, delivering our mail and a huge shoutout to our local councils who are working tirelessly to ensure our communities stay safe. 

OutofDarkness Xx

What can I do to prevent my mental health declining during the lockdown? Part One

I’m Stuck at Home. 

• Create yourself a schedule - This is something I’ve been doing for years now. It really gives me a sense of purpose and time. Even if it’s just scheduling a time for getting out of bed, meal times and bedtimes. After you’ve done that you will see gaps where you can add things you have to do and things you’d like to do. Keeping a regular pattern helps to keep normality; as much as is possible. You can create a schedule with a simple pen and paper or using your computer or a calendar app on your phone. If you don’t mind spending a few pounds then my favourite way is by actually buying a planner. Order online of course. 
• Stick to your office hours - If you’re working from home, this is key for reducing stress levels. It may be tempting to hit snooze until lunch time and just work until 8pm, but I promise you by the time you get to 5pm you’ll be cursing under your breath. Also another tip for working at home, create a work station (if you have space). Try not to bring your work into other parts of your home. Leave work at the door (figuratively). 
• Friends and family - Though we cannot see our loved ones in person, it’s important to keep contact where possible. Try to arrange times friends are free for a good chat; you could even put it in your schedule. If you’re worried about running your minutes down, then skype, whatsapp and facebook all have video call features. Another fun app I’ve discovered recently is Houseparty. Up to 8 people can join the video chat and you even play games and do quizzes together. There are also online communities for those of you that might not have anyone to talk to, or maybe you just need to talk about your difficulties in a safe space; Elefriends (by mind) is one such place. I’ve been a member for a long time now and the community is brilliant.
• Escapism - I cannot stress enough how well this is working for me right now. Escapism can be anything that temporarily distracts you from current life events. Writing, art, making music, reading, playing games; anything that works for you. Personally my creative writing, Animal Crossing and Breath of the Wild, have given me fantasy worlds to retreat to. 
• Exercise - You knew it was coming. We all know regular exercise is vital for our bodies, but we often forget what it does for our minds. Exercise releases chemicals called endorphins, which can help to beat stress. Now, I can practically hear the anxious groans of people like me, whose mental health conditions would never let them go jogging in public. Madness! Indoor exercise however, is no lesser. Easy home yoga, zumba and many other classes are available free on Youtube. If you have a Nintendo Switch/ Wii ‘Just Dance’ is a great workout. I’ve also heard good things about the Switch's ‘Ring Fit’ (though I currently lack the funding for that). 
• Emotional Support - Many of you may currently be finding it difficult to get support for your mental health. Check to see what your mental health service is offering locally. Some services are still running and over the phone support seems to be the main port of call. You can also find support within online communities, close and impartial friends and some helplines, which you can access via this link. 

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

Look out for my next post where I talk about what you can do to cope if you’re a Keyworker. 

Hi everyone, 

I hope you’re keeping well. As you may have now heard we’re expecting a further 3 weeks of lockdown in the UK. I know how difficult this is for many of us, myself included. This is however, crucial to minimizing the impact Covid-19 is having on our communities.

I recently wrote a letter of support to you all about our current situation. These are difficult times for us all, but especially for those with mental health problems and disabilities. We’re often a group that is marginalised. We may have already been isolated, or perhaps we don’t cope with loneliness well. Because of the past years of austerity, a lot of people like us are in poor housing and many haven’t been able to save a lot of money. I work part time because of my mental health so I am earning around two thirds of what full time work would give me. The point is that people with mental health problems may be in a more difficult situation than others. This is especially important to realise during times of international crisis. 

In line with this, my next two posts will be about things you can do to help you cope. It’s not an instant fix, but it’s some advice that I have found really helpful. 

Stay Safe.
OutofDarkness Xx

A letter of support during difficult times

Dear readers, 

Whether you are living with mental health problems, self isolating/shielding, working from home or one of the many essential key workers braving this storm; times are no doubt having a huge impact on our daily lives. The countermeasures for this pandemic have had to come hard and fast in order to slow the arrival of the peak and protect the most vulnerable. The severity of the actions (though needed) have found many of us stuck at home, and the rest of us working flat out to keep our communities running. 

Recently I’ve noticed a lot of big talk about how easy it is to ‘simply stay at home’, being parroted across social media. Honestly it disappoints me that people I know have been posting this about their circles. It’s ignorant to assume that everyone’s needs are the same. Maybe it is ‘easy’ for those who don’t live alone, those who are still being kept busy working from home and those living without anxiety, depression and complex disorders. 

My BPD has me overthinking myself into a downward spiral at the best of times. Let alone with the constant shadow of COVID-19 looming over me. It’s in my news feed, my support groups and now even in my blog! (Granted that one’s my fault) It’s finding brand new ways to trigger my anxiety and work its way into my headspace. I’ve spoken to others who have been feeling the same thing. My mental health has been getting so bad, that by every evening I’ve been stressing so much, I’m getting that familiar drowning feeling I get before a breakdown. Either that or I feel like I’m walking through a very unsettling dream. 

Many people who have trauma in their past, automatically dissociate in stressful or anxiety provoking situations. 

Dissociation can be a coping mechanism we’ve developed in order to survive distressing situations. So if you're experiencing this sensation, you aren't alone. 

Please also remember that lockdown has taken our support services; a vital lifeline for many! There are no visits from our mental health teams, no therapies, no day services and certainly a serious lack of inpatient beds. Be kinder to each other. People ‘complaining’ they can’t go about their daily lives usually isn’t a sign of selfishness. A daily routine is what keeps many of us out of emotional distress. We’re experiencing a huge adjustment, so adapting won’t be easy for anyone.

Finally we may be socially distanced, but we are in this together. So please:

Remember those with mental health problems

Remember vulnerable people living alone

Remember those working around the clock

It’s not easy for everyone.

OutofDarkness Xx