Those of us living with Borderline Personality Disorder will be aware of the common experiences we share, but often we talk about our symptoms at crisis point. So what about every day? What’s it like to live with this persistent and pervasive disorder every moment of our lives?
I’m approaching this as someone who was diagnosed over 8 years ago. I’ve had time to get to know myself and develop some coping mechanisms. I’ve been through several types of therapy and I appear “functional” most of the time. I’m going to address different aspects of my life and how they are affected by BPD over the next few posts.
I wanted to talk about why many people that know me personally don’t know about my diagnosis and often act shocked when they find out. It’s called “Masking”. If you’re familiar with the autistic community or other forms of neurodivergence you may have heard of masking before. Within the context of personality disorder, masking is hiding your symptoms in an attempt to “act normal” and avoid being detected. For me this involves using bathroom breaks to hide anxiety attacks, dissociating rather than letting people see my emotional reactions, mirroring the likes and dislikes of others so they don’t find out I have no stable sense of self, and simply not talking about any of the struggles I go through. Whilst masking has come in handy for things like holding down a job and fitting in temporarily, there is a price to pay. All that effort put into controlling what others see, leaves me burned out and exhausted. I’ve jeopardized a few jobs and even friendships this way, when I disappear/isolate for a few months to recover.
So what sort of things do I have to mask about my day to day experience?
My intense emotional reactions - these can be triggered by the smallest things, such as someone looking at me the wrong way, me misinterpreting a comment or even feeling as if I’m doing “too well”
The constant judgemental commentary of myself and others that leads to intense social anxiety
Trauma flashbacks that can be triggered by smells, sensations or sounds (yes, there are periods where this might happen every day)
The panic of someone asking me about my likes and dislikes - these days I have a stronger sense of my preferences, but it still causes me to have an internal meltdown
Intrusive thoughts - these can be around self-harm, paranoias or delusions
More recently I am finding more ways to cope with my symptoms that don’t involve the tiring process of masking. I’m starting conversations with my friends about the “real” me, and looking for ways of working that allow me to be myself. Let’s not pretend that recovery from BPD is easy, but it certainly is possible with the right help and support.
