UPDATE - Where is Out of Darkness?

What happened to you Out of Darkness?? Where are the posts you promised us?

Hey all. On the 9th of January I posted a really positive update about all the upcoming projects for early this year and all the goals for myself I had set. I was really excited about the future of the blog and my future also. Even though the last update was posted on the 9th of January, it was actually written just after the christmas period, when I was feeling on top of the world. However by the time we got to the 9th I was struggling with my mental health.

The world my blog resides in is a world of light, which often contrasts with the shadows of my reality. Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is tough. It can take all of my effort to remain stable and after the social pressures of the holidays, I was thrown out of balance. The darkness closed in around me and I found my mind trapped in dark places. When I’m trapped I become panicked and look for exits that aren’t really an option. Before I knew it I was standing on the edge. My suicidal thoughts were turning into ideas and plans. I had been there many times and decided to seek help.

I went to my GP who sent me to A&E where I was assessed by the Psychiatric Liaison team. They referred me to the crisis team who discharged me with no support. The next few days were hellish and filled with bad decisions and emotional pain. My partner was calling and calling trying to get someone to come out and see me. Finally on the Saturday the crisis team agreed to come back and reassess me. I don’t know what was different, but this time they suggested I be admitted to a psychiatric hospital to keep me safe and to assess me further.

I spent 6 days under the care of nurses and support workers. It was what I needed to keep me safe and to get through this difficult time. I’ve currently been signed off of work until I feel well enough to return, but it’s looking like this might be a couple of months at this point. I really wanted to carry on with the blog, but obviously I had no access to my laptop. I’m back now and I will be posting regularly I hope, as writing really is part of my self care and therefore my recovery. I will still be writing about the exciting things I told you I would, but it may just be a couple of weeks later than I expected.

Finally I just want to give a little shout out to everyone that struggles throughout the winter time. I know it’s hard, but remember you are doing your best. It’s okay to need help, because we all do.

Out of Darkness. Xx

Welcome back

As the festive period draws to a close, I just want to welcome you all to 2019. I’m sure like I am you’re all a little bit exhausted from all the socialisation we feel obliged to take part in. Not that I don’t like seeing my friends and family, but it can be too much. I also worked Christmas this year so I found myself even more tired by the time we reached new years eve. The good news is that we got through it. We’ve ushered in 2019 and we’re still here, hanging on.

I usually find this time of year very reflective for those of us living with mental health problems. It’s either been a year of decline or a year of recovery. I might feel empowered or I might feel broken, but whatever the emotional weather the new year holds a hope of something different. If you’re overly ambitious to a flaw, like myself, then you might find yourself setting all sorts of high achievements. Whilst it’s good for you it can also be a way of saying “I’m not good enough if I can’t meet these targets”. These overly critical thoughts can be harmful to us, so it’s important not to overload yourself. Having said all this I want to talk about my personal goals and potential projects I have for the new year.

As for my personal goals I want to focus more actively on my recovery. As you might have seen I ended three years of therapy recently and I’m going to be going it alone for the next six months at least. My physical fitness is something I’m quite passionate about at the moment. Part of the side effects from the medication I take meant that I had put on quite a lot of weight in the last 6 years. I’ve been working very hard to sort this out by watching my dietary intake and making sure I eat healthier. I want to start incorporating physical exercise as well, because I believe it’s important to stay fit for health. My weight is something I’ve always struggled with and it’s very closely connected to my poor body image and self esteem. I’m a firm believer in healthy body and healthy mind going hand in hand. Although I won’t be sharing anything about my weight (as it’s potentially triggering) it’s important to note this is something I will be dealing with.

In regards to potential projects for early 2019, I do have a fair few ideas in the works. I’m going to be looking at depictions of Borderline Personality Disorder in the media and any myths that revolve around the illness. I know I’ve faced a lot of stigma in my life for having this particular diagnosis and I feel it needs to be talked about. I’m also going to have myself a little film festival so that I can critique a few movies and TV series on their portrayal of BPD and other mental health issues. Another project I’m working on is a self care challenge, where I set goals for taking care of myself. I’m not sure quite how this is going to work yet, but obviously I’ll share the format when I can; it might be useful for others if I do it right.

As well as all of this you can look forward to a lot more posts about varying issues around BPD, mental health and general life skills. I hope that this year is the year I finally manage to reach out to those around me and share my healing process with you all.

Happy new year!

Out of Darkness. Xx